In my last blog post, I detailed my struggles with weight loss/gain throughout most of my life. The last part of that dealt with me losing a considerable amount of weight due to a health condition I wasn't even aware of. Some people know all of that story. Some people know some of that story. And I'm sure there are some of you who know nothing of that story. If I've learned anything from my friend Terry's blog and the blog/comic strip of Mark Teel it's that readers seem to like personal stories. Since it's now the fifth anniversary of that experience, I will tell you that story (in several parts). . .
It begins like this: Chris Farley saved my life. That may sound very odd, but it's true. I've spent the better part of my adult life being compared to Chris Farley, so it was only natural for me to appreciate his body of work. As a stressful first semester of the 05-06 school year as winding down, I was allowing my students to watch the epic film Tommy Boy as I graded finals and put grades into the computer.
I happened to look up during one of my favorite parts and the screen was obscured by a large gray blob shaped like the state of West Virgina. I blinked and looked back at the screen. It was still there. I rubbed my contact a little. Still West Virginia. Finally, I asked the class, "Does anyone else see a large gray blob on the screen?" The consensus agreement was that I was crazy.
I convinced myself that it was probably time to change my contacts, so once I got home I changed them out. I opened my refreshed eyes to see . . . West Virginia. I took out my contacts and put on my glasses. Still saw the blob hovering in the middle of my vision. I told my wife, who is a nurse, about it. Even though she had no explanation for it, she told me she'd get me an appointment with our eye doctor ASAP.
In the meantime, I did what any normal person would do under these circumstances -- I got online and went to Web MD and Yahoo! Health and any other site I could think of. This, of course, did nothing more than scare the crap out of me. Explanations for my symptoms ranged macular degeneration to AIDS. I sorted through all the information, assured myself I'd know if I had AIDS and that I was most likely too young for macular degeneration. The only thing that made sense was a detached retina. It made sense because a few days prior to the appearance of the blob, I had banged my head hard enough to see stars and black out momentarily. Heck, I once had a soccer player detach his retina heading a ball, so it wasn't beyond the realm of possibility.
I went to bed that night convinced that I would go see the doctor the next day and he'd tell me that I had a detached retina and they would have some cool plan for fixing it. This did not help me sleep well that night. Actually, I hadn't been sleeping well at night for quite some time. I would rarely go to bed before midnight, and my sleep was constantly interrupted by me laying awake listening to the blood rush through my ears. As I said previously, I had had a very stressful first semester, and I attributed my lack of sleep to stress. I'd also been fighting a sinus infection for quite sometime as well, which was giving me pounding headaches. I'd often go to bed at midnight, wake up at 4:00 AM, and then not go back to bed. At least I'd be able to get the eye thing figured out quickly and be able to look at people without West Virginia being in the way.
The next morning my wife called and told me she'd been able to get me into the optometrist that day. It was a pretty routine appointment until he looked in the right eye. His diagnosis shocked me. I didn't have a detached retina. I had a burst blood vessel in my eye. West Virgina was actually blood in the goopy stuff (vitreous humor -- i know the real term) inside my eye. Furthermore, I had a couple more blood vessels in both eyes that were quite swollen. he went down a checklist with me. Did I have diabetes? No. Did I have a history of high blood pressure? No. I'd been on blood pressure medicine once several years ago, but through exercise and my recent weight loss it had been great lately. I just had it checked recently (in fact it had been four months). Had I had any major blows to the head recently? Check! I told him of hitting my head in the closet. He agreed that may be the cause of my problem, and set up an appointment with a retinal specialist about 10 days from then. I felt pretty good as I left the optometrist's office.
That night, my wife and I discussed things. I told her what the doctor had said.
"Well, do you think your blood pressure might be high again?" she asked.
"No. It's been fine. Last time I took it -- like a month ago -- it was 120/80, The lowest it's been on forever. And I've been exercising, and I've lost 45 pounds. Why would it be high?" I said.
"well, you keep having those headaches, and that can be a sign of high blood pressure."
"I have a sinus infection is all. You know I get those all the time."
"Well, Maybe you should go to the doctor and find out for sure. At least to get something for the sinus infection, because the antibiotics you've been taking aren't working, obviously."
"OK, I'll go."
Like any man, I put off going to the doctor. A few nights later we had Christmas Eve at my mother-in-law's house. I could barely do anything, since my head was pounding. My mother-in-law kindly gave me an 800mg ibuprofen tablet she had leftover from a recent surgery. It helped a little. I did notice, though, as I ran around the house with Lukas and his cousin, I was winded easily and sweating profusely. Sweating profusely is not a state of concern for me usually, it's just my usual state. This night, however, was different. It was almost like a cold sweat. I also noticed I was having trouble following a conversation whenever I took a break and sat down to talk with the adults. I brushed it off, and the next day I felt better.
My wife kept after me about seeing the doctor about my sinus infection. Finally, on December 30th, I caved in and went to immediate care. I went in early, at 8:00 AM, Lukas in tow, to beat any rush. I got in quickly and the nurse took me back.
"What are you here for today?" she asked.
"I think I have a sinus infection," I replied.
"And what makes you think you have a sinus infection?"
"Well, I keep having these horrible headaches right here," i said as I made a motion to the general area of my sinus cavities.
The nurse laughed and said, "OK, let's get your vitals and then we'll get you back to see the doctor."
I sat down and she took my temperature. It was fine. Then she hooked me up to a blood pressure machine. It started and then beeped that it was finished.
"Well, let's check that again," the nurse said, " Do you get nervous when you go to the doctor?"
"A little. It depends on the doctor, " I said as she started the machine again.
"Hmm. That's the same again. Do you have a history of high blood pressure?"
"No, not really. I usually run a little high on those machine things, instead of the arm cuff though."
"Well, this is more than little high," the nurse said with a look of concern on her face.
This led to a look of concern on my face, "What is it?"
"210/140"
Next time: The Slow and the Serious
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
The Battle of the Bulge
I am writing this having just returned from an arduous workout at the nearest YMCA. It is the second such workout of this week (which is two days old). That is more exercise than I've had in months. But following Thanksgiving dinner, and a lot of heavy breathing (OK, it was gasping!)following the annual fathers vs. sons family football game, I decided I should start getting serious about losing some weight. After all, I will be turning the big 4-0 in a few months and I have my yearly check up/lab tests with my nephrologist at the end of the month, and I'd kind of like it if my doctor didn't admonish me about my weight in that very calm, pleasantly soothing voice of his.
Before any of you get any ideas about giving me hot tips to lose weight, I'll just let you know I've been down this road before. I have to eat less, eat healthier, and exercise. Period. Just so you know, I have a long history of losing weight (and putting it back on). What follows is some of the high and low lights of those endeavors. . .
Spring 1987
The Damage: I suffered through a soccer season in the fall where I was dubbed "The Roly-Poly Goalie" by my teammates, despite being the varsity starter for most of the season. I seriously look a little bit like a beachball with legs, or maybe a cube. Self-esteem is not high. Dates are not plentiful.
The Turning Point: My mom bets me a set of contact lenses that I can't lose 30 lbs in 30 days. I really, REALLY wanted to get rid of my glasses.
The Outcome: I don't lose 30 lbs in 30 days, but I do get 25 off. My mom extends the deadline 30 more days. With her packing my lunch and getting me up to exercise every morning, I end up losing 35 lbs. Still can't get a date. I do get contacts. I don't have them when the family takes a vacation to Florida as I'd hoped. However, once in Florida, the first order of business is to buy a half shirt that says "Life's A Beach" and wear it for most of the trip.
Added Bonus: Returning to school in August, a new student tells a longtime friend that she thinks I'm "hot." Looking back, it may have been the new body, it might have been the new contacts, or it might have been that my mullet was now down to my shoulders. I tend to believe it's all of the above.
Fall 1989
The Damage: I learn that boys are not immune to the dreaded "Freshman 15" when you go to college. I have packed on my 15 by Thanksgiving. I have to ask my parents to buy me new jeans.
The Turning Point: I get back to school and discover that some of the guys I've been hanging out with know something about lifting weights and stuff. I begin to lift weights and stuff. I start to play a lot of pick up basketball -- even though I suck at basketball. I also begin to actually attend that class I have to walk to the other side of campus to attend, and walk to Aggieville less frequently.
The Outcome: As quickly as the Freshman 15 goes on, it comes off, and my weight says pretty steady for the rest of college. I still can't get a date.
Fall 1999 - Spring 2001
The Damage: After working a landscape job and discovering the Adkins diet, I report to my new job in Wichita a good 25 lbs lighter than when I interviewed two months before. I also get to live with my sister for several months, whose husband is also on the Adkins diet. That comes to end when they move to Texas and I have to move into an apartment by myself. All hell breaks loose in the form of Pringles and Little Debbies.
The Turning Point: I actually had a semi-successful long-distance relationship. When that came to an end, I am talked into joining a gym by a couple I'm friends with under the guise of it being a "great place to meet people." I decide that since I am newly single, I should join and begin to overhaul my body so it is more attractive to the opposite sex.
The Outcome: The only relationship I form at the gym is with the elliptical machine. We fall in love. I also hook up with a colleague who worked as a personal trainer. His tips, plus the elliptical, plus the discovery of something called a Stair Stepper help me lose 40 lbs and, once again, I have to buy new jeans. I get some dates -- mostly with crazy women. I dress up, just for fun, to coach a girls' basketball game. One of my players' sister sees me in my tie. We're introduced, fall in love, and (eventually) get married. I no longer have to search for a date.
Spring 2005
The Damage: After having a child, I discover that yummy kids foods with the word "graham" in them are not healthy. It is also discovered that my wife and mother-in-law are awesome cooks. The jeans I bought in 2001 are beginning to get tight.
The Turning Point: I leave school in May pledging not to return in August unless I am at least 25 lbs lighter. I become a regular gym rat at the YMCA working out five days a week for an hour and a half.
The Outcome: My 25 pounds are gone by Aug. 1. By Sept. 1 I've lost five more lbs. After that, soccer season picks up and I find myself unable to go to the gym as often. I lose 10 more lbs. I chalk it up as stress from a miserable soccer season and kind of miserable school year. But I'm 40 lbs lighter and still losing. I go to buy new jeans, and I learn I can almost squeeze into a size two smaller than what I'd been wearing -- a size I haven't worn since 1989.
Further Outcome: I find out that some of my weight loss is the result of a kidney condition. They put me on medication and I gain 20 lbs back in the first month. It's been an uphill battle since then.
And that all leads me to where I am today -- fat, out of shape, and a poster child for what's wrong with America. Fortunately, I want to do something about it. I hope that a year from now, I'll be telling you stories of success. I just know that with three kids, I am ready for a lifestyle change. It's hard to look at them and think of not being able to fully participate in their lives. So I am going back to basics and doing the things I know help me lose weight. I'll also be posting my weight daily on Facebook. It's something called the Public Humiliation Diet. I think it will work, because I can't lie about it, and I won't let myself feel like a chump by showing steady gains. If this doesn't work, I am blaming Corey Gabbert.
Until next time, excelsior true believers!!!
Before any of you get any ideas about giving me hot tips to lose weight, I'll just let you know I've been down this road before. I have to eat less, eat healthier, and exercise. Period. Just so you know, I have a long history of losing weight (and putting it back on). What follows is some of the high and low lights of those endeavors. . .
Spring 1987
The Damage: I suffered through a soccer season in the fall where I was dubbed "The Roly-Poly Goalie" by my teammates, despite being the varsity starter for most of the season. I seriously look a little bit like a beachball with legs, or maybe a cube. Self-esteem is not high. Dates are not plentiful.
The Turning Point: My mom bets me a set of contact lenses that I can't lose 30 lbs in 30 days. I really, REALLY wanted to get rid of my glasses.
The Outcome: I don't lose 30 lbs in 30 days, but I do get 25 off. My mom extends the deadline 30 more days. With her packing my lunch and getting me up to exercise every morning, I end up losing 35 lbs. Still can't get a date. I do get contacts. I don't have them when the family takes a vacation to Florida as I'd hoped. However, once in Florida, the first order of business is to buy a half shirt that says "Life's A Beach" and wear it for most of the trip.
Added Bonus: Returning to school in August, a new student tells a longtime friend that she thinks I'm "hot." Looking back, it may have been the new body, it might have been the new contacts, or it might have been that my mullet was now down to my shoulders. I tend to believe it's all of the above.
Fall 1989
The Damage: I learn that boys are not immune to the dreaded "Freshman 15" when you go to college. I have packed on my 15 by Thanksgiving. I have to ask my parents to buy me new jeans.
The Turning Point: I get back to school and discover that some of the guys I've been hanging out with know something about lifting weights and stuff. I begin to lift weights and stuff. I start to play a lot of pick up basketball -- even though I suck at basketball. I also begin to actually attend that class I have to walk to the other side of campus to attend, and walk to Aggieville less frequently.
The Outcome: As quickly as the Freshman 15 goes on, it comes off, and my weight says pretty steady for the rest of college. I still can't get a date.
Fall 1999 - Spring 2001
The Damage: After working a landscape job and discovering the Adkins diet, I report to my new job in Wichita a good 25 lbs lighter than when I interviewed two months before. I also get to live with my sister for several months, whose husband is also on the Adkins diet. That comes to end when they move to Texas and I have to move into an apartment by myself. All hell breaks loose in the form of Pringles and Little Debbies.
The Turning Point: I actually had a semi-successful long-distance relationship. When that came to an end, I am talked into joining a gym by a couple I'm friends with under the guise of it being a "great place to meet people." I decide that since I am newly single, I should join and begin to overhaul my body so it is more attractive to the opposite sex.
The Outcome: The only relationship I form at the gym is with the elliptical machine. We fall in love. I also hook up with a colleague who worked as a personal trainer. His tips, plus the elliptical, plus the discovery of something called a Stair Stepper help me lose 40 lbs and, once again, I have to buy new jeans. I get some dates -- mostly with crazy women. I dress up, just for fun, to coach a girls' basketball game. One of my players' sister sees me in my tie. We're introduced, fall in love, and (eventually) get married. I no longer have to search for a date.
Spring 2005
The Damage: After having a child, I discover that yummy kids foods with the word "graham" in them are not healthy. It is also discovered that my wife and mother-in-law are awesome cooks. The jeans I bought in 2001 are beginning to get tight.
The Turning Point: I leave school in May pledging not to return in August unless I am at least 25 lbs lighter. I become a regular gym rat at the YMCA working out five days a week for an hour and a half.
The Outcome: My 25 pounds are gone by Aug. 1. By Sept. 1 I've lost five more lbs. After that, soccer season picks up and I find myself unable to go to the gym as often. I lose 10 more lbs. I chalk it up as stress from a miserable soccer season and kind of miserable school year. But I'm 40 lbs lighter and still losing. I go to buy new jeans, and I learn I can almost squeeze into a size two smaller than what I'd been wearing -- a size I haven't worn since 1989.
Further Outcome: I find out that some of my weight loss is the result of a kidney condition. They put me on medication and I gain 20 lbs back in the first month. It's been an uphill battle since then.
And that all leads me to where I am today -- fat, out of shape, and a poster child for what's wrong with America. Fortunately, I want to do something about it. I hope that a year from now, I'll be telling you stories of success. I just know that with three kids, I am ready for a lifestyle change. It's hard to look at them and think of not being able to fully participate in their lives. So I am going back to basics and doing the things I know help me lose weight. I'll also be posting my weight daily on Facebook. It's something called the Public Humiliation Diet. I think it will work, because I can't lie about it, and I won't let myself feel like a chump by showing steady gains. If this doesn't work, I am blaming Corey Gabbert.
Until next time, excelsior true believers!!!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Giving Thanks
I just realized that it's been over a month since I posted anything on my blog. Most of the time I get delayed writing because of time, or more often because I can't think of anything to write. With Thanksgiving approaching, I thought it might be a good time to make note of the things for which I give thanks. Most everyone who reads this blog knows me. Therefore, they already know that I am thankful for having a great family, an amazing and loving wife, three incredible (and cute) children, and my good friends. If you know me, then you also know I'm thankful to have a steady job that pays me well enough to keep a roof over our head, food on the table, and enough leftover to go out to eat occasionally. I'm even thankful for my health. While it could definitely be better, those who know me know it could be a heck of a lot worse. I don't take all that for granted. Those things are the things I give thanks for every single day of my life. Those are the obvious things. So what I'm going to do is let you in on some secrets. I'll let you know all the little things I'm thankful for because they just make my life a little better (listed in no particular order. . .)
Comics Books: Really? You're shocked to see this on my list? Yeah, I'm a nerd, but just like when I was 16, there's nothing quite as fun as picking up your pull list and rushing home to sit on the couch and read them all non-stop. I don't go every week like I did back then, so it's even more fun to get a whole big stack and read them after everyone else has gone to sleep.
E-Books: Why? Because my mom was able to get two of her novels that she has dedicated a significant amount of her life to published as e-books. That. Is. Awesome.
Top Chef: Just Desserts: I got hooked on Top Chef when my first daughter was born. I watched all of seasons 1 and 2 on consecutive days during my paternity leave. I was really into season 3. Not so much with season 4, and then my interest waned considerably. One of the problems with cooking shows is that everything looks real cool, but when you get down to it, I don't think I'd like to eat broiled cod shanks with a pancetta and kumquat chutney. But Just Desserts? I could get into that show. I would eat everything they put out on that show. Very quickly I'm also thankful that Morgan lost because he seemed like a real (something I can't write because my mother reads my blog).
WWE Wrestling: How can you NOT be thankful for something that leads to your kids climbing all over you, giggling, and repeatedly fake hitting you with a fake steel chair suspiciously shaped like a pillow? I'm also thankful that I always win. It also teaches me patience, because more often than not someone accidentally steps on my privates.
Breakfast Dinner (aka Brinner): If you don't know what I'm talking about or why I'd be thankful for breakfast dinner, get off my blog. Really. Close the window and just go back to your friend Tom on MySpace. Brinner is awesome.
DVD Players in Cars: It's the best way to drive to Texas for Thanksgiving. Already planning on having Toy Story 3, How To Train Your Dragon, and Up completely memorized by the time I get home. Here's hoping the boy can somehow sneak The Simpsons Movie into the stack of DVDs for the trip.
TJ's Burgerhouse: Speaking of awesome food. . . best burgers in Wichita, hands down. And it's affordable so I can take the family.
The Colorblind Art Teacher and The Man With the Screaming Brain Blog: Any time I am having a bad day (especially at work), I can go to either site and guarantee myself a laugh. Thanks guys!
The Avengers Movie: Oh man, I think that's going to be pretty BA.
Macaroni and Cheese and Hot Dogs: Because kids never say "no" to macaroni and cheese and hot dogs. They also never say no to brinner. What? You didn't know that kids love brinner? I thought I told you to get off my blog!!!
Nick Jr. and XBox360: Sometimes every parent just needs a little break. Thank you Madden 11 and Wow Wow Wubbzy. And you, too, Ni Hao Kai Lan. But not you, Yo Gabba Gabba, you kind of freak me out.
So that's my list of secondary things that I am thankful for. Hope you enjoyed it, because I enjoyed writing it. I should also mention that I'm thankful for the three people who follow my blog (Terry, Hugo, and my mom). Have a happy Thanksgiving, and until next time -- excelsior, true believers!!!
Comics Books: Really? You're shocked to see this on my list? Yeah, I'm a nerd, but just like when I was 16, there's nothing quite as fun as picking up your pull list and rushing home to sit on the couch and read them all non-stop. I don't go every week like I did back then, so it's even more fun to get a whole big stack and read them after everyone else has gone to sleep.
E-Books: Why? Because my mom was able to get two of her novels that she has dedicated a significant amount of her life to published as e-books. That. Is. Awesome.
Top Chef: Just Desserts: I got hooked on Top Chef when my first daughter was born. I watched all of seasons 1 and 2 on consecutive days during my paternity leave. I was really into season 3. Not so much with season 4, and then my interest waned considerably. One of the problems with cooking shows is that everything looks real cool, but when you get down to it, I don't think I'd like to eat broiled cod shanks with a pancetta and kumquat chutney. But Just Desserts? I could get into that show. I would eat everything they put out on that show. Very quickly I'm also thankful that Morgan lost because he seemed like a real (something I can't write because my mother reads my blog).
WWE Wrestling: How can you NOT be thankful for something that leads to your kids climbing all over you, giggling, and repeatedly fake hitting you with a fake steel chair suspiciously shaped like a pillow? I'm also thankful that I always win. It also teaches me patience, because more often than not someone accidentally steps on my privates.
Breakfast Dinner (aka Brinner): If you don't know what I'm talking about or why I'd be thankful for breakfast dinner, get off my blog. Really. Close the window and just go back to your friend Tom on MySpace. Brinner is awesome.
DVD Players in Cars: It's the best way to drive to Texas for Thanksgiving. Already planning on having Toy Story 3, How To Train Your Dragon, and Up completely memorized by the time I get home. Here's hoping the boy can somehow sneak The Simpsons Movie into the stack of DVDs for the trip.
TJ's Burgerhouse: Speaking of awesome food. . . best burgers in Wichita, hands down. And it's affordable so I can take the family.
The Colorblind Art Teacher and The Man With the Screaming Brain Blog: Any time I am having a bad day (especially at work), I can go to either site and guarantee myself a laugh. Thanks guys!
The Avengers Movie: Oh man, I think that's going to be pretty BA.
Macaroni and Cheese and Hot Dogs: Because kids never say "no" to macaroni and cheese and hot dogs. They also never say no to brinner. What? You didn't know that kids love brinner? I thought I told you to get off my blog!!!
Nick Jr. and XBox360: Sometimes every parent just needs a little break. Thank you Madden 11 and Wow Wow Wubbzy. And you, too, Ni Hao Kai Lan. But not you, Yo Gabba Gabba, you kind of freak me out.
So that's my list of secondary things that I am thankful for. Hope you enjoyed it, because I enjoyed writing it. I should also mention that I'm thankful for the three people who follow my blog (Terry, Hugo, and my mom). Have a happy Thanksgiving, and until next time -- excelsior, true believers!!!
Monday, October 11, 2010
Make Room for . . . That Next Guy
In a previous post, I chronicled the rise and fall of our roommate Binky and the outstanding abode of 1215 Bertrand #4. With Binky's early departure, Chris, Roommate Tad, and I were left with an empty room we needed to fill ASAP so that we wouldn't have to spend roughly an extra $57 apiece in rent for the next month. So we did what any logical college kids would do. We put an advertisement in the Daily Collegian.
Roommate Tad, who had gone back to the apartment early after Christmas Break to work at Dillon's (where we all worked) was in charge of Operation: Find Someone To Live in The 4th Bedroom. It wasn't long before Tad called us back in the Greater KC Area to let us know that we had a potential roommate. He was an engineering student, he had just finished his enlistment in the US Army, and he "seemed pretty cool." We reminded Roommate Tad that he had also told us that Binky "seemed pretty cool" as well. Fortunately, Roommate Tad's instincts were on this time. Our new roommate, who we'll call Keflin (because that's his name) was indeed pretty cool.
We immediately discovered a couple of the things we liked about Keflin, that also separated him from his predecessor. He had steady income as a reservist in the US Army and for being on the GI Bill. He had a VCR that he was willing to share. He had a subscription to Playboy which he was also willing to share. (Author's note: These three things are listed in the order of importance as they appear to a 39-year-old, but not necessarily the order of importance as they appeared to a 20-year-old)
One of the things we learned about Keflin was that he had served in Iraq and Kuwait during Operation: Desert Storm. He had stories about his time there, some of them funny, some of them scary, some of them kind of gory, all of them interesting to a bunch of white bread kids from the suburbs. We also quickly discovered that having been in the army for four years, he had no idea to live on his own. He knew nothing about basic survival skills.
I'll give you some examples of how we learned this about our new roommate. First, we found an open bottle of Ranch Dressing in the cabinet. We explained to Keflin that if something said "Refrigerate After Opening" that you actually had to refrigerate it after you opened it. The second example involves a small propane grill we had. Keflin discovered he could operate it, and grill things. He immediately went out and bought a six-pack of KC strip steaks. He opened the package,took out one and grilled it. Then he left the open package in the fridge for a couple days. We told Keflin that when you bought meat you had to eat it, or freeze it. SO the next day we found the open package of five steaks in the freezer. So, being good roommates, we told Keflin that you had to wrap stuff up, or it would get freezer burn and taste funny. Keflin then went ahead and thawed out all five remaining steaks, grilled one, said it tasted OK, wrapped up the four remaining thawed steaks and put them in the freezer. Roommate Tad, Chris and I started planning a new roommate ad for when Keflin would inevitably be hospitalized for eating the steaks, but it never happened.
It became clear pretty fast that Keflin was a decent guy and a pretty good addition. At the very least he attended class regularly, he paid his bills on time and he was happy to buy and share beer on a regular basis. I got to know Keflin pretty good, because during the summer we were the only two living in the apartment. He was an OK guy. Here are some of the highlights I remember from the Keflin era at 1215 Bertrand #4.
Roommate Tad, who had gone back to the apartment early after Christmas Break to work at Dillon's (where we all worked) was in charge of Operation: Find Someone To Live in The 4th Bedroom. It wasn't long before Tad called us back in the Greater KC Area to let us know that we had a potential roommate. He was an engineering student, he had just finished his enlistment in the US Army, and he "seemed pretty cool." We reminded Roommate Tad that he had also told us that Binky "seemed pretty cool" as well. Fortunately, Roommate Tad's instincts were on this time. Our new roommate, who we'll call Keflin (because that's his name) was indeed pretty cool.
We immediately discovered a couple of the things we liked about Keflin, that also separated him from his predecessor. He had steady income as a reservist in the US Army and for being on the GI Bill. He had a VCR that he was willing to share. He had a subscription to Playboy which he was also willing to share. (Author's note: These three things are listed in the order of importance as they appear to a 39-year-old, but not necessarily the order of importance as they appeared to a 20-year-old)
One of the things we learned about Keflin was that he had served in Iraq and Kuwait during Operation: Desert Storm. He had stories about his time there, some of them funny, some of them scary, some of them kind of gory, all of them interesting to a bunch of white bread kids from the suburbs. We also quickly discovered that having been in the army for four years, he had no idea to live on his own. He knew nothing about basic survival skills.
I'll give you some examples of how we learned this about our new roommate. First, we found an open bottle of Ranch Dressing in the cabinet. We explained to Keflin that if something said "Refrigerate After Opening" that you actually had to refrigerate it after you opened it. The second example involves a small propane grill we had. Keflin discovered he could operate it, and grill things. He immediately went out and bought a six-pack of KC strip steaks. He opened the package,took out one and grilled it. Then he left the open package in the fridge for a couple days. We told Keflin that when you bought meat you had to eat it, or freeze it. SO the next day we found the open package of five steaks in the freezer. So, being good roommates, we told Keflin that you had to wrap stuff up, or it would get freezer burn and taste funny. Keflin then went ahead and thawed out all five remaining steaks, grilled one, said it tasted OK, wrapped up the four remaining thawed steaks and put them in the freezer. Roommate Tad, Chris and I started planning a new roommate ad for when Keflin would inevitably be hospitalized for eating the steaks, but it never happened.
It became clear pretty fast that Keflin was a decent guy and a pretty good addition. At the very least he attended class regularly, he paid his bills on time and he was happy to buy and share beer on a regular basis. I got to know Keflin pretty good, because during the summer we were the only two living in the apartment. He was an OK guy. Here are some of the highlights I remember from the Keflin era at 1215 Bertrand #4.
- We once had a Halloween party at the apartment. Keflin came dressed in his battle camouflage uniform and a gas mask. I asked him, "How did you get a gas mask off a military base?" He replied that he hadn't, but that he'd taken it off a dead Iraqi soldier. Roommate Tad looked at him and said, "So you're saying that you got that off a dead person's face, and now you're wearing it on YOUR face?" Keflin promptly took off the gas mask.
- He and I went to Last Chance one night during the summer and he told me he wasn't planning on drinking. We got separated shortly after we got there, and when I found him he had a 32 oz Big Beer in each hand. "I thought you weren't going to drink," I said. He replied, "You have to have more than a $5 order to start a credit card tab. You want a big beer?" I said "sure" and Keflin promptly flagged down a waitress and ordered two big beers for me.
- Keflin was Filipino, and rice had always been a staple part of his diet. As stated previously, he had limited kitchen skills, so he bought an electric rice maker. When he messed up using that, too, he found a Filipino lady in Manhattan and gave her something like $50 a week to cook Filipino meals for him. He was a lot happier after that.
- Keflin had a Thai girlfriend named Pang. Pang's best friend was also Thai, and she was named Ping. No, I am not making this up.
- The summer it was just Keflin and I in the house, I once got a phone bill (which was under my name) for $400+. I went to Keflin and asked him why the phone bill was so high. Part of the reason was that he had made a bunch of calls to Pang . . . who was in Thailand for the summer. The rest of it was due to a call he made to a (adult chat) number. "Why did you call that?" I asked him. "I was bored and I saw an ad on TV. It was pretty stupid." was his reply. "Then why did you stay on the line for [looking at bill] 18 minutes?" I asked. "I thought it might get better."
All in all, Keflin wasn't a bad guy. Years later I would become friends with a guy named Mason. During casual conversation, Mason mentioned an old college roommate named Keflin. Sure enough, it was the same one. And most of Mason's stories were like my own. But things were fine with Keflin, and 1215 Bertrand #4 was a happy place again. And then Chris decided to get married. . .
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
What the Hail?
I have lived in Kansas for nearly all my life. The weather of this fine state is bewildering at best, and terrifying at its worst. Tonight, I had my first run-in with a super-sized Kansas hail storm. And I didn't like it.
Last spring, we had a hail storm come through Wichita and hit downtown causing astronomical damage. That may sound like an exaggeration, but it isn't. Baseball to softball-sized hail rained down for several minutes. It actually hit the minor league ballpark. While the team was playing. With spectators in the stands. Luckily, no one was hurt, but there was damage done to cars and buildings, etc. At the time, my wife and I joked saying, "Too bad we couldn't have run down there to the hail hit one of the cars. Maybe we'd be able to total it out and get a new one." Funny stuff at the time. . . .at the time.
Tonight, I'm singing a different tune. I actually witnessed, in person, softball-sized hail. If you don't believe me, I have a couple in the freezer. What is most disturbing, is the amount of damage it caused. I had the pleasure (really?) of watching a storm rain down hail no smaller than a tennis ball for a full 15 minutes. It was insane.
I was feeding Allie and watching TV when I heard the hail start. I got up and looked out the window and saw some maybe golf ball-sized hail. I figured this might get a little interesting. I went and moved some things in the garage and opened the door so my wife could drive right in and avoid the hail. Then I went back to feeding Allie. A short time later, I heard a sound like someone had dropped a brick on my roof. Then another. Then another. I finally set Allie down in her Boppy and got up to go look out the door. I saw big hail. Then I heard glass breaking and realized that one of the windows in the back of the house had broken. I went to check it out. I got brave enough to stick my head out just a little, just enough so it was still under the eaves of the house. Then I heard another window break and decided it was time to take the girls to the basement. Then I noticed that the windshield of our Kia Optima appeared to have hail splattered on it. I was wrong, the windshield was broken. And as I watched, i saw it get broken again. At this point, it was way too late to go pull it into the garage.
As I watched all this unfold, it dawned on me that my wife and son still weren't back. I tried to call, but I couldn't get dialed out. I got a little frantic, because the last thing you'd want is your loved ones driving in hail that can break a windshield. The super hail continued to thump on the roof. I heard the tornado sirens go off, so I joined my girls downstairs. I tried to get my wife on the phone again and got through to her. She was at her mom's house. She was not more than 5 miles away from me and she was getting none of the storm we were facing. She got some hail, but nothing like what I was facing, or for as long a period of time. That is really the epitome of crazy Kansas weather.
Once things started to subside, my wife came home and we began to check out the aftermath. All said and done, the damage was pretty --well-- damaging. The roof had holes punched in it. The car. The windows. Multiple leaks inside. And my favorite...a hailstone broke through a solid 2x6 deck board. Just crashed right through it like it was nothing. It's was indeed the craziest weather I've ever seen. And I can tell you in all honesty, I don't want to go through that again.
Last spring, we had a hail storm come through Wichita and hit downtown causing astronomical damage. That may sound like an exaggeration, but it isn't. Baseball to softball-sized hail rained down for several minutes. It actually hit the minor league ballpark. While the team was playing. With spectators in the stands. Luckily, no one was hurt, but there was damage done to cars and buildings, etc. At the time, my wife and I joked saying, "Too bad we couldn't have run down there to the hail hit one of the cars. Maybe we'd be able to total it out and get a new one." Funny stuff at the time. . . .at the time.
Tonight, I'm singing a different tune. I actually witnessed, in person, softball-sized hail. If you don't believe me, I have a couple in the freezer. What is most disturbing, is the amount of damage it caused. I had the pleasure (really?) of watching a storm rain down hail no smaller than a tennis ball for a full 15 minutes. It was insane.
I was feeding Allie and watching TV when I heard the hail start. I got up and looked out the window and saw some maybe golf ball-sized hail. I figured this might get a little interesting. I went and moved some things in the garage and opened the door so my wife could drive right in and avoid the hail. Then I went back to feeding Allie. A short time later, I heard a sound like someone had dropped a brick on my roof. Then another. Then another. I finally set Allie down in her Boppy and got up to go look out the door. I saw big hail. Then I heard glass breaking and realized that one of the windows in the back of the house had broken. I went to check it out. I got brave enough to stick my head out just a little, just enough so it was still under the eaves of the house. Then I heard another window break and decided it was time to take the girls to the basement. Then I noticed that the windshield of our Kia Optima appeared to have hail splattered on it. I was wrong, the windshield was broken. And as I watched, i saw it get broken again. At this point, it was way too late to go pull it into the garage.
As I watched all this unfold, it dawned on me that my wife and son still weren't back. I tried to call, but I couldn't get dialed out. I got a little frantic, because the last thing you'd want is your loved ones driving in hail that can break a windshield. The super hail continued to thump on the roof. I heard the tornado sirens go off, so I joined my girls downstairs. I tried to get my wife on the phone again and got through to her. She was at her mom's house. She was not more than 5 miles away from me and she was getting none of the storm we were facing. She got some hail, but nothing like what I was facing, or for as long a period of time. That is really the epitome of crazy Kansas weather.
Once things started to subside, my wife came home and we began to check out the aftermath. All said and done, the damage was pretty --well-- damaging. The roof had holes punched in it. The car. The windows. Multiple leaks inside. And my favorite...a hailstone broke through a solid 2x6 deck board. Just crashed right through it like it was nothing. It's was indeed the craziest weather I've ever seen. And I can tell you in all honesty, I don't want to go through that again.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
BACK AT LAST. . .
The triumphant return of One Minute Movie Reviews. . .because I just HAVE to let you know what I thought of The Back Up Plan. I've been slacking on the one-minute movie reviews big time, like really big time. I've watched a lot of movies since I last posted One-Minute Movie reviews. What I've done is take some of the more memorable (or not-so-memorable) and current movies from that span and write the one-minute review of them. So here we go . . . in no particular order.
Clash of the Titans
CGI COTT, you are not as cool as the seminal Ray Harryhausen version from 1981. Maybe it's because I was a kid when it came out and watched it over and over. Maybe it's because in the 1981 version you got to see Andromeda's boobs. In any case, it deviated greatly from the classic Greek myth of Perseus. That bugged me. The CGI effects were cool, but so are all CGI effects, so in my eyes they don't compare to Harryhausen's Greatest Hits (original COTT, Jason and the Argonauts, Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger <-- SPOILER ALERT: Sinbad kicks Apollo Creed's ass). I did like Medusa a lot, so I give COTT props for that. And I like Liam Neeson in everything. I thought Ralph Fiennes was a little over the top as Hades/Voldemort 2. All-in-all, a very average action flick.
Step Brothers
Yeah, I know this isn't new, but I've watched it like a dozen times on Encore the past couple months. One night I got up around 2:00 AM to feed Allie, found it on, and watched nearly the entire thing. I've enjoyed watching it so much that I've named my fantasy football ball team this year Prestige Worldwide. Actually, I just named it that because The Most Interesting Team in the World and Are You Smarter Than Antonio Cromartie? were too long.
Kick-Ass
Hmmm...Not so much. The problem I had with Kick-Ass is that everyone assumed I would be all geeked up about it and get all gaga about how awesome it is. The truth is I bought the comics and didn't really like them. The movie was OK, but pretty plain. That being said, Hit Girl lived up to the title. I also liked McLovin as a bad guy. The other stuff was a little cheesy, especially the ending. I liked parts of it, but overall I wasn't that crazy about it. Watching a kid get beat up all the time isn't that entertaining to me.
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
This movie was kind of the opposite of Kick-Ass for me. I hadn't read the comics before I saw the movie. I knew OF them, and the basic premise of the plot, but I hadn't purchased and read them. I liked this movie a lot. My wife and son voted it, "Stupidest Looking Movie of the Summer" but I didn't let that stop me. It's very funny at times, and there's a little bit of Scott Pilgrim in all of us. . . I think. But the best part is that, like its titular character, I didn't have much in the way of expectations for this movie. It pleasantly surprised me by living up to those expectations. I'll own this on DVD when it comes out. And the critics who say it's a summer flop can bite me.
Date Night
I didn't get to see this in the theaters, and then it was in my Netflix queue for like four months before it got released on DVD. After seeing it, all I can say is, "When will Tina Fey make a truly great movie." I liked it, but I didn't love it. I thought Steve Carell and Tina Fey were good, but not great. Steve Carell has been in some great movies, but Tina Fey hasn't seemed to be able to find the right vehicle. There were parts where I laughed hysterically, but most of it I just found myself chuckling at. I did enjoy Marky Mark Wahlberg. I was told by a friend who saw it in the theater that it was, "just as funny as the Hangover." It wasn't. And it was only like 80 minutes long. WTH?
Get Him To The Greek
Now this movie actually was as funny as the Hangover. Russell Brand recreates his character of British rocker Aldous Snow, first introduced in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. This time, He gets to take the hard partying Aldous over the top into Outrageous-land. I also like Jonah Hill, who went against type as his usual awkward nerdy fat teen character. I was also pleasantly surprised that amongst the horrifying antics and immoral behavior of the characters, they slip ins some very touching scenes to give the characters just a little hint at redemption. If I have one complaint about the movie, it's P. Diddy. This was supposed to be his Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder moment, but it isn't. If anything, he tries too hard to be Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder, so it doesn't hit it big. The added bonus is that Aldous is shown performing several times, and while the songs are supposed to be stupid and inane, they're actually funny and catchy.
The Wolfman
Here's a movie that sat int he ol' Netflix queue forever, and then suddenly appeared in our mail. The first thing that I thought while watching it was, "Benicio del Toro, where have you been lately?" The second thought I had was that while this movie was in the theaters, I never read a good review of it. But I never really read a bad review of it either. I was pleasantly surprised by it. Even though i figured out the "surprise twist" about 1/3 of the way into the movie, I still found it enjoyable. I liked how they made the Wolfman like the classic Lon Chaney version, not some present-day shirtless teen version (it's OK Team Jacob, I'm still on your side!). I think that over time, this will be one of those movies we end up saying, "That's a decent movie, I wonder why it didn't get much buzz."
The Back-Up Plan
I love my wife. I love my wife so much that I watched this entire movie with her. She waited weeks to finally get it at the video store and was so excited to watch it. And then she actually had to watch it. I will say this about The Back-Up Plan: I would rather watch Hannah Montana: The Movie, than sit through this piece of drivel again. About halfway through all the schlocky, cliche "I'm pregnant" jokes and stereotypes, I looked over at my wife and said, "This is pretty stupid." To which she replied, "Yeah it is." LAMENESS ALERT! (this is the opposite of a spoiler alert and is intended to prevent you from seeing this movie) Jennifer Lopez's character owns a pet store that she bought because she bought her dog from a pet store that sold puppy mill dogs and now her little dog is confined to a doggy wheelchair. Yeah, I am not making this up. And since I am going off on this anyway, her love interest owns an organic goat cheese farm/company and aspires to open his own shop in which he will only sell products produced locally within a 3o mile radius of his place in NYC, even though he can't pass macro-economics at night school. I am going to end there, because any further discussion of this movie will cause me to use language that my mother (one of the five readers of this blog -- we've grown! Thanks, Chris) does not appreciate. Suffice it to say that I would rather watch The Bounty Hunter again, rather than this movie.
Clash of the Titans
CGI COTT, you are not as cool as the seminal Ray Harryhausen version from 1981. Maybe it's because I was a kid when it came out and watched it over and over. Maybe it's because in the 1981 version you got to see Andromeda's boobs. In any case, it deviated greatly from the classic Greek myth of Perseus. That bugged me. The CGI effects were cool, but so are all CGI effects, so in my eyes they don't compare to Harryhausen's Greatest Hits (original COTT, Jason and the Argonauts, Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger <-- SPOILER ALERT: Sinbad kicks Apollo Creed's ass). I did like Medusa a lot, so I give COTT props for that. And I like Liam Neeson in everything. I thought Ralph Fiennes was a little over the top as Hades/Voldemort 2. All-in-all, a very average action flick.
Step Brothers
Yeah, I know this isn't new, but I've watched it like a dozen times on Encore the past couple months. One night I got up around 2:00 AM to feed Allie, found it on, and watched nearly the entire thing. I've enjoyed watching it so much that I've named my fantasy football ball team this year Prestige Worldwide. Actually, I just named it that because The Most Interesting Team in the World and Are You Smarter Than Antonio Cromartie? were too long.
Kick-Ass
Hmmm...Not so much. The problem I had with Kick-Ass is that everyone assumed I would be all geeked up about it and get all gaga about how awesome it is. The truth is I bought the comics and didn't really like them. The movie was OK, but pretty plain. That being said, Hit Girl lived up to the title. I also liked McLovin as a bad guy. The other stuff was a little cheesy, especially the ending. I liked parts of it, but overall I wasn't that crazy about it. Watching a kid get beat up all the time isn't that entertaining to me.
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
This movie was kind of the opposite of Kick-Ass for me. I hadn't read the comics before I saw the movie. I knew OF them, and the basic premise of the plot, but I hadn't purchased and read them. I liked this movie a lot. My wife and son voted it, "Stupidest Looking Movie of the Summer" but I didn't let that stop me. It's very funny at times, and there's a little bit of Scott Pilgrim in all of us. . . I think. But the best part is that, like its titular character, I didn't have much in the way of expectations for this movie. It pleasantly surprised me by living up to those expectations. I'll own this on DVD when it comes out. And the critics who say it's a summer flop can bite me.
Date Night
I didn't get to see this in the theaters, and then it was in my Netflix queue for like four months before it got released on DVD. After seeing it, all I can say is, "When will Tina Fey make a truly great movie." I liked it, but I didn't love it. I thought Steve Carell and Tina Fey were good, but not great. Steve Carell has been in some great movies, but Tina Fey hasn't seemed to be able to find the right vehicle. There were parts where I laughed hysterically, but most of it I just found myself chuckling at. I did enjoy Marky Mark Wahlberg. I was told by a friend who saw it in the theater that it was, "just as funny as the Hangover." It wasn't. And it was only like 80 minutes long. WTH?
Get Him To The Greek
Now this movie actually was as funny as the Hangover. Russell Brand recreates his character of British rocker Aldous Snow, first introduced in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. This time, He gets to take the hard partying Aldous over the top into Outrageous-land. I also like Jonah Hill, who went against type as his usual awkward nerdy fat teen character. I was also pleasantly surprised that amongst the horrifying antics and immoral behavior of the characters, they slip ins some very touching scenes to give the characters just a little hint at redemption. If I have one complaint about the movie, it's P. Diddy. This was supposed to be his Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder moment, but it isn't. If anything, he tries too hard to be Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder, so it doesn't hit it big. The added bonus is that Aldous is shown performing several times, and while the songs are supposed to be stupid and inane, they're actually funny and catchy.
The Wolfman
Here's a movie that sat int he ol' Netflix queue forever, and then suddenly appeared in our mail. The first thing that I thought while watching it was, "Benicio del Toro, where have you been lately?" The second thought I had was that while this movie was in the theaters, I never read a good review of it. But I never really read a bad review of it either. I was pleasantly surprised by it. Even though i figured out the "surprise twist" about 1/3 of the way into the movie, I still found it enjoyable. I liked how they made the Wolfman like the classic Lon Chaney version, not some present-day shirtless teen version (it's OK Team Jacob, I'm still on your side!). I think that over time, this will be one of those movies we end up saying, "That's a decent movie, I wonder why it didn't get much buzz."
The Back-Up Plan
I love my wife. I love my wife so much that I watched this entire movie with her. She waited weeks to finally get it at the video store and was so excited to watch it. And then she actually had to watch it. I will say this about The Back-Up Plan: I would rather watch Hannah Montana: The Movie, than sit through this piece of drivel again. About halfway through all the schlocky, cliche "I'm pregnant" jokes and stereotypes, I looked over at my wife and said, "This is pretty stupid." To which she replied, "Yeah it is." LAMENESS ALERT! (this is the opposite of a spoiler alert and is intended to prevent you from seeing this movie) Jennifer Lopez's character owns a pet store that she bought because she bought her dog from a pet store that sold puppy mill dogs and now her little dog is confined to a doggy wheelchair. Yeah, I am not making this up. And since I am going off on this anyway, her love interest owns an organic goat cheese farm/company and aspires to open his own shop in which he will only sell products produced locally within a 3o mile radius of his place in NYC, even though he can't pass macro-economics at night school. I am going to end there, because any further discussion of this movie will cause me to use language that my mother (one of the five readers of this blog -- we've grown! Thanks, Chris) does not appreciate. Suffice it to say that I would rather watch The Bounty Hunter again, rather than this movie.
Do You Believe in Magic?
Well, I'm back. Finally. After spending a ridiculous amount of time watching the 2010 World Cup and having a new baby and starting back to work with new and more duties, I've finally worked it into my schedule to start writing again. Even though I haven't been writing, I have been reading my friend Terry's blog in which he's detailed his time living with The Teel (who just happens to have his own kick-ass blog/web comic thingy). It's good, and when I felt the need to make a smart Alec comment on his blog, he told me I needed to start writing again. That coupled with a follow up comment by former roommate/Used Paint member, Chris, made me realize I needed to sit down and write something.
You see, the problem with writing a blog is that you have to have something to write about. I refuse to blog about my job, and since it takes up about 85% of my life right now, it leaves me short on things. I've written about my roommates a couple times already, but believe me, there's more to come on that topic. But, then a revelation came. . . in the form of my local comic book store. I went in yesterday, and found my inspiration...Magic Mondays!
I love comic books. I love my local comic book store. I love going to said comic book store to by said comics. As stated previously in a blog, I despise card games. What I learned yesterday is that Monday is Magic Monday, where the Magic: The Gathering people come to play cards. Until like midnight. I kid you not. And, if you didn't know, the comic store closes at 8:00 PM.
If I had my way, I'd march into the comic book store and declare loudly (and proudly), "You have comics, and you have cards, and never the twain shall meet." I don't know if that really makes sense, but how many times do you get the chance to work the phrase "never the twain shall meet" into a conversation? Especially if that conversation in no way relates to Mark Twain. You see, I want a comic book store that reminds me of Central Perk on "Friends," complete with a set of leather couches and Jennifer Aniston. People could flock from all over the west part of Wichita to sit around and talk about comic nerd stuff. You can't do that if you have a bunch of card geeks sitting there scaring normal customers off -- or at least making them feel uncomfortable.
But I digress. ("Never the twain" + "But I digress" = awesome blog thingy!). I despise card nerds for one very simple reason. I used to teach high school. When Magic first came out, it was kind of an underground phenomenon that only the best nerds knew of and played. I was introduced to it by a friend of mine, who we shall call Andy, because that's his name, and he taught me how to play. I had a killer green deck then, and I crushed many adversaries. Then I got a job at a suburban high school and learned that this Magic thing was spinning out of control. Kids played it before school, during lunch, after school, on band trips (presumably). They fiddled with their cards during class. They talked about nothing but Magic all the time. Kids began to use teachers, asking them if they could stay and get help in order to get a pass for the late bus. Then they'd ask for help on one question and run off to play Magic with their friend(s) who had also duped a teacher. They didn't stay to play cards at the school because they had nowhere else to go, they stayed and played cards at school because they'd wasted all their money on cards instead of saving up to by a crappy car like the rest of the teenage world!!!
I did get to put one over on the card players, thanks to one unfortunate student in a 10th grade English class. The following excerpt is 100% rue -- hand to God.
It came to pass that Mr. Clamons found a Magic card in the hallway. It was Tree Elves to be specific. What fascinated me about this card is that it stated very clearly that the holder of this card could only be harmed by creatures with flying. So the card was tucked away for safe keeping until 5th hour class when I had a particularly loud, obnoxious, disruptive force that happened to be one of the biggest Magic purveyors in the school.
As he began to talk, and interrupt, and disrupt, I pulled forth my Tree Elves card and held it out to him. he looked at it and asked, "What's that?"
"It's Tree Elves," I said matter-of-factly, "And I'm using it to make you be quiet."
"What? I have a 100 cards more powerful that that one!" my adversary boasted.
"Maybe so," I retorted, "but I'm not playing it against your deck, I'm playing it against you."
"What?"
"I'm playing my card against you. It clearly states that he holder of this card can only be harmed by creatures with flying. Do you have flying?"
"But...but..." the boy spluttered
"Do you have flying? No? Well then I win, and you have to be quiet for the rest of the hour. And I'm going to keep this card here at the podium for all following days."
He was quiet for the rest of the class period. And much better behaved for the rest of the semester.
Seeing the Magic Mondays crew yesterday reminded me of those carefree days. It also reminded me that Monday should join Sunday on the list of Days I Shall Never Go to the Comic Store. At least I could sleep well last night knowing that none of the players was recording his/her duel to upload to Facebook (see previous blog post). . . and that I still have my killer green deck. And it would destroy everyone in the comic store. Including Wil Wheaton.
You see, the problem with writing a blog is that you have to have something to write about. I refuse to blog about my job, and since it takes up about 85% of my life right now, it leaves me short on things. I've written about my roommates a couple times already, but believe me, there's more to come on that topic. But, then a revelation came. . . in the form of my local comic book store. I went in yesterday, and found my inspiration...Magic Mondays!
I love comic books. I love my local comic book store. I love going to said comic book store to by said comics. As stated previously in a blog, I despise card games. What I learned yesterday is that Monday is Magic Monday, where the Magic: The Gathering people come to play cards. Until like midnight. I kid you not. And, if you didn't know, the comic store closes at 8:00 PM.
If I had my way, I'd march into the comic book store and declare loudly (and proudly), "You have comics, and you have cards, and never the twain shall meet." I don't know if that really makes sense, but how many times do you get the chance to work the phrase "never the twain shall meet" into a conversation? Especially if that conversation in no way relates to Mark Twain. You see, I want a comic book store that reminds me of Central Perk on "Friends," complete with a set of leather couches and Jennifer Aniston. People could flock from all over the west part of Wichita to sit around and talk about comic nerd stuff. You can't do that if you have a bunch of card geeks sitting there scaring normal customers off -- or at least making them feel uncomfortable.
But I digress. ("Never the twain" + "But I digress" = awesome blog thingy!). I despise card nerds for one very simple reason. I used to teach high school. When Magic first came out, it was kind of an underground phenomenon that only the best nerds knew of and played. I was introduced to it by a friend of mine, who we shall call Andy, because that's his name, and he taught me how to play. I had a killer green deck then, and I crushed many adversaries. Then I got a job at a suburban high school and learned that this Magic thing was spinning out of control. Kids played it before school, during lunch, after school, on band trips (presumably). They fiddled with their cards during class. They talked about nothing but Magic all the time. Kids began to use teachers, asking them if they could stay and get help in order to get a pass for the late bus. Then they'd ask for help on one question and run off to play Magic with their friend(s) who had also duped a teacher. They didn't stay to play cards at the school because they had nowhere else to go, they stayed and played cards at school because they'd wasted all their money on cards instead of saving up to by a crappy car like the rest of the teenage world!!!
I did get to put one over on the card players, thanks to one unfortunate student in a 10th grade English class. The following excerpt is 100% rue -- hand to God.
It came to pass that Mr. Clamons found a Magic card in the hallway. It was Tree Elves to be specific. What fascinated me about this card is that it stated very clearly that the holder of this card could only be harmed by creatures with flying. So the card was tucked away for safe keeping until 5th hour class when I had a particularly loud, obnoxious, disruptive force that happened to be one of the biggest Magic purveyors in the school.
As he began to talk, and interrupt, and disrupt, I pulled forth my Tree Elves card and held it out to him. he looked at it and asked, "What's that?"
"It's Tree Elves," I said matter-of-factly, "And I'm using it to make you be quiet."
"What? I have a 100 cards more powerful that that one!" my adversary boasted.
"Maybe so," I retorted, "but I'm not playing it against your deck, I'm playing it against you."
"What?"
"I'm playing my card against you. It clearly states that he holder of this card can only be harmed by creatures with flying. Do you have flying?"
"But...but..." the boy spluttered
"Do you have flying? No? Well then I win, and you have to be quiet for the rest of the hour. And I'm going to keep this card here at the podium for all following days."
He was quiet for the rest of the class period. And much better behaved for the rest of the semester.
Seeing the Magic Mondays crew yesterday reminded me of those carefree days. It also reminded me that Monday should join Sunday on the list of Days I Shall Never Go to the Comic Store. At least I could sleep well last night knowing that none of the players was recording his/her duel to upload to Facebook (see previous blog post). . . and that I still have my killer green deck. And it would destroy everyone in the comic store. Including Wil Wheaton.
Monday, June 14, 2010
My Cup Runneth Over
I don't know if the word "obsession" really covers it. It only happens every four years, so the build up grows and grows in intensity until it reaches its boiling point. Then, I enter my happy place and everything in the world is wonderful for a fortnight. Now I know you're probably thinking, "This man loves the Winter Olympics." Well, you're wrong. As much as I appreciate watching the Canadian Women's Curling team in action, I could care less about the Winter Olympiad. For that matter, I don't care that much for the summer version either. The quadrennial event I am speaking of is, of course, the FIFA World Cup. The one sporting event in the world that throws my entire world into complete upheaval. I don't even get this geeked up about March Madness (please don't tell Frank Martin that, as I am afraid he will jab me in the throat).
For the record, my wife does not understand my obsession with the World Cup, even having been through it on two previous occasions. She didn't understand why I was completely LIVID in 2202 when I woke early to catch the final live from Japan/South Korea only to find a church program on instead. By the time the local ABC affiliate played the final match "live" at 2:00 PM, I already knew the score. I have maintained a fairly consistent boycott of that channel for the past eight years. But you have to forgive her for not understanding this obsession of mine, because my friends don't really understand it either. Nor do my co-workers. I'd even hazard a guess that my own family doesn't even understand how obsessed I get with World Cup. My mother will tell you she understands, but she doesn't realize that it goes much farther than repeated watchings of "Gole`" and a Walter Zenga poster on my bedroom door during high school. In order to help you understand why I spend approximately 9 hours a day watching soccer during a World Cup year, let me present to you, the reasons I love World Cup 2010.
The Announcers
I rarely say nice things about the Worldwide Leader, but ESPN scored a coup when it went out a hired some of the best soccer play-by-play and color guys from England to work the Cup. Not only are they knowledgeable about the game, but they are much more entertaining than the Americans they've used in the past two cups (sorry JP Dellacamera, not sorry to you Eric Wynalda). Americans saying things like "it's nil-nil here in Rustenberg" or "he's just looking forward to lacing up the boots and getting back on the pitch" just doesn't sound very cool. My personal favorite so far has been, "That was a very tricky run, but he just ran into a cul-de-sac there." I also like that British announcers, much like Simon Cowell, are brutally honest. I like when they say things like, "That was an absolutely dreadful shot." I also like that ESPN has gone out and gotten some good studio people as well. Former World Cup participants Alexi Lalas (USA), Steve McManaman (ENG), and Ruud Gulitt (he's Dutch) have had some good insight and seem comfortable in front of the camera. However, they're not above being themselves -- witness McManaman after the England/USA tie, "If Slovenia or Algeria can get a win tomorrow they'll have the group by the ba...the bollo....the..the bull by the horns." Good work, Steve!
Gratuitous David Beckham Shots
Even though the world's most recognizable player is out of action due to a a torn Achilles tendon, that doesn't mean he isn't getting his face time on camera. He was shown on the England bench at least a half dozen times during the England/USA match. I also like that the announcers feel the need to point him out and gush over him, "There's David Beckham. Injured, but still with the team in spirit." I seriously kept waiting to hear one of them say, "There's David Beckham on the England bench. He's looking concerned at the moment. And absolutely gorgeous."
The Nicknames
When it comes to international play in anything, teams don't get teams names. Your team name is "USA" or "Germany" or "Denmark." None of these really has the oomph of say, the Yankees, or Celtics, or the Patriots. But soccer-dom has it's own brand of nicknames. Some of them are simple and based on a country's flag or jersey, like "Los TriColores" (Mexico), "Il Azzuri" (Italy) or "Les Bleus" (France). Some are inspired by their national team's style of play, like The Netherlands, who have for decades been known as "Clockwork Orange" for their precise style of play. Brazil, five time cup winners, are called "Selecao," the Selection. Spain has long been nicknamed "The Best Team To Never Win the World Cup," but at least they're the favorites going into this year. Which means they'll fail. African countries have the best names -- The Indomitable Lions (Cameroon), The Super Eagles (Nigeria), Les Elephants (Ivory Coast), The Black Stars (Ghana), The Desert Foxes/Les Fennecs (Algeria) and Bafana Bafana (host nation South Africa). I draw the line at "Socceroos" (Australia) because it's just silly. Come on, how can you not cheer for a team that calls themselves The Indomitable Lions. Or the Super Eagles for that matter. Even Bafana Bafana is fun to say. Sure beats the hell out of Jayhawks.
Ties
While the rest of the sporting world sees ties as a bad thing, in the group play stage of the World Cup, they occur. And they occur quite frequently, much to the chagrin of the American watching. I don't mind ties. Sometimes ties can be good, and everyone's a winner. Slovakia and New Zealand tie 1-1, most people say it's stupid and boring. The underlying story, however is that both teams score a historic point in the standings. Slovakia scores its first goal and point in its first Cup as an independent country. New Zealand scores its first goal and point ever in the World Cup in its first trip back since 1982. Sometimes ties are bad, as they show us that maybe some teams aren't as good as people think they are -- I'm looking at you France and Uruguay (and your 0-0 tie).
Germany Good
Whenever there's a big international soccer tournament of some note, the six other people in my life who follow soccer will always ask, "Who do you think is going to win?" My usual response is "Germany." Why shouldn't it be? '86 Cup runners up, '90 Cup winners, '98 Cup Semi finals, '02 Cup runners up, '06 semi finals. After beating the aforementioned Socceroos 4-0 to open their tournament, Germany looks good. I am picking them to win it, and Spain retains their unfortunate nickname.
Italy Bad
To open their defense of the World Cup, the 2006 Champions, Il Azzuri, looked like Il Crapola. They needed a gift from a goalkeeping gaffe to earn a tie with Paraguay. To use an English commentators term, Italy played "uninspired" for most of the game. I am looking for them to fall on their face sometime this cup. And the problem is that I used to like the Azzuri. Seriously. But lately, I've noticed that the more I watch Italy, the less I like them. They seem to be a team that thrives on diving, whining about perceived fouls, and cheap shots. You need look no further than a slow-mo replay of a free kick where an Italian striker jumps with a Paraguayan defender and reaches back and takes a swing at him in mid-air to see why I dislike the Azzuri. Playing tough is one thing, but playing dirty is another.
Diego Maradona is Back
And that means I can rekindle my intense dislike for him. I can't stand Diego Maradona. All I will say on this matter is that my ideal World Cup would involve Argentina failing to make the knock out round, and Maradona getting a ball kicked in his face. I haven't forgotten 1986 Diego.
I Am Off Work
I don't have to go back to work until the day after the World Cup Final on Juy 11th. Assuming Baby Allie holds out until later that week, I will have plenty of time to shirk my responsibilities and watch soccer. My wife sees this as a bad thing, I see it as GLORIOUS!
Now, that is pretty much all my thoughts on why I love World Cup soccer. I could write an entire blog about the awful goalkeeping we've seen so far this Cup, but it wouldn't make sense to the three people who regularly read my blog. For now, I will sign off, because in just 6 short hours Honduras vs. Chile will be on. . . and who wants to miss that!?!?!
For the record, my wife does not understand my obsession with the World Cup, even having been through it on two previous occasions. She didn't understand why I was completely LIVID in 2202 when I woke early to catch the final live from Japan/South Korea only to find a church program on instead. By the time the local ABC affiliate played the final match "live" at 2:00 PM, I already knew the score. I have maintained a fairly consistent boycott of that channel for the past eight years. But you have to forgive her for not understanding this obsession of mine, because my friends don't really understand it either. Nor do my co-workers. I'd even hazard a guess that my own family doesn't even understand how obsessed I get with World Cup. My mother will tell you she understands, but she doesn't realize that it goes much farther than repeated watchings of "Gole`" and a Walter Zenga poster on my bedroom door during high school. In order to help you understand why I spend approximately 9 hours a day watching soccer during a World Cup year, let me present to you, the reasons I love World Cup 2010.
The Announcers
I rarely say nice things about the Worldwide Leader, but ESPN scored a coup when it went out a hired some of the best soccer play-by-play and color guys from England to work the Cup. Not only are they knowledgeable about the game, but they are much more entertaining than the Americans they've used in the past two cups (sorry JP Dellacamera, not sorry to you Eric Wynalda). Americans saying things like "it's nil-nil here in Rustenberg" or "he's just looking forward to lacing up the boots and getting back on the pitch" just doesn't sound very cool. My personal favorite so far has been, "That was a very tricky run, but he just ran into a cul-de-sac there." I also like that British announcers, much like Simon Cowell, are brutally honest. I like when they say things like, "That was an absolutely dreadful shot." I also like that ESPN has gone out and gotten some good studio people as well. Former World Cup participants Alexi Lalas (USA), Steve McManaman (ENG), and Ruud Gulitt (he's Dutch) have had some good insight and seem comfortable in front of the camera. However, they're not above being themselves -- witness McManaman after the England/USA tie, "If Slovenia or Algeria can get a win tomorrow they'll have the group by the ba...the bollo....the..the bull by the horns." Good work, Steve!
Gratuitous David Beckham Shots
Even though the world's most recognizable player is out of action due to a a torn Achilles tendon, that doesn't mean he isn't getting his face time on camera. He was shown on the England bench at least a half dozen times during the England/USA match. I also like that the announcers feel the need to point him out and gush over him, "There's David Beckham. Injured, but still with the team in spirit." I seriously kept waiting to hear one of them say, "There's David Beckham on the England bench. He's looking concerned at the moment. And absolutely gorgeous."
The Nicknames
When it comes to international play in anything, teams don't get teams names. Your team name is "USA" or "Germany" or "Denmark." None of these really has the oomph of say, the Yankees, or Celtics, or the Patriots. But soccer-dom has it's own brand of nicknames. Some of them are simple and based on a country's flag or jersey, like "Los TriColores" (Mexico), "Il Azzuri" (Italy) or "Les Bleus" (France). Some are inspired by their national team's style of play, like The Netherlands, who have for decades been known as "Clockwork Orange" for their precise style of play. Brazil, five time cup winners, are called "Selecao," the Selection. Spain has long been nicknamed "The Best Team To Never Win the World Cup," but at least they're the favorites going into this year. Which means they'll fail. African countries have the best names -- The Indomitable Lions (Cameroon), The Super Eagles (Nigeria), Les Elephants (Ivory Coast), The Black Stars (Ghana), The Desert Foxes/Les Fennecs (Algeria) and Bafana Bafana (host nation South Africa). I draw the line at "Socceroos" (Australia) because it's just silly. Come on, how can you not cheer for a team that calls themselves The Indomitable Lions. Or the Super Eagles for that matter. Even Bafana Bafana is fun to say. Sure beats the hell out of Jayhawks.
Ties
While the rest of the sporting world sees ties as a bad thing, in the group play stage of the World Cup, they occur. And they occur quite frequently, much to the chagrin of the American watching. I don't mind ties. Sometimes ties can be good, and everyone's a winner. Slovakia and New Zealand tie 1-1, most people say it's stupid and boring. The underlying story, however is that both teams score a historic point in the standings. Slovakia scores its first goal and point in its first Cup as an independent country. New Zealand scores its first goal and point ever in the World Cup in its first trip back since 1982. Sometimes ties are bad, as they show us that maybe some teams aren't as good as people think they are -- I'm looking at you France and Uruguay (and your 0-0 tie).
Germany Good
Whenever there's a big international soccer tournament of some note, the six other people in my life who follow soccer will always ask, "Who do you think is going to win?" My usual response is "Germany." Why shouldn't it be? '86 Cup runners up, '90 Cup winners, '98 Cup Semi finals, '02 Cup runners up, '06 semi finals. After beating the aforementioned Socceroos 4-0 to open their tournament, Germany looks good. I am picking them to win it, and Spain retains their unfortunate nickname.
Italy Bad
To open their defense of the World Cup, the 2006 Champions, Il Azzuri, looked like Il Crapola. They needed a gift from a goalkeeping gaffe to earn a tie with Paraguay. To use an English commentators term, Italy played "uninspired" for most of the game. I am looking for them to fall on their face sometime this cup. And the problem is that I used to like the Azzuri. Seriously. But lately, I've noticed that the more I watch Italy, the less I like them. They seem to be a team that thrives on diving, whining about perceived fouls, and cheap shots. You need look no further than a slow-mo replay of a free kick where an Italian striker jumps with a Paraguayan defender and reaches back and takes a swing at him in mid-air to see why I dislike the Azzuri. Playing tough is one thing, but playing dirty is another.
Diego Maradona is Back
And that means I can rekindle my intense dislike for him. I can't stand Diego Maradona. All I will say on this matter is that my ideal World Cup would involve Argentina failing to make the knock out round, and Maradona getting a ball kicked in his face. I haven't forgotten 1986 Diego.
I Am Off Work
I don't have to go back to work until the day after the World Cup Final on Juy 11th. Assuming Baby Allie holds out until later that week, I will have plenty of time to shirk my responsibilities and watch soccer. My wife sees this as a bad thing, I see it as GLORIOUS!
Now, that is pretty much all my thoughts on why I love World Cup soccer. I could write an entire blog about the awful goalkeeping we've seen so far this Cup, but it wouldn't make sense to the three people who regularly read my blog. For now, I will sign off, because in just 6 short hours Honduras vs. Chile will be on. . . and who wants to miss that!?!?!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Mow Better Blues
Remember when you were a kid and you just couldn't wait to be old enough to shave every day? (or put on make up, or shave your legs, or whatever other "adult" level task you were looking forward to) And remember how you finally reached that time and then you were all like "Yeah, I get to shave every day!' , and after some more time passed you realized, "Hey, this shaving every day stuff is kind of time consuming. And sucks"? And then you started to let your facial hair grow a little more between shavings, and then you had a beard going and you woke up one morning and found yourself looking like that guy from The Hangover, Zach Gafilix.....Galfilikaki...Gandalfilinda....Grizzly Adams? I sure do. And that's kind of how I feel about my lawn.
Let me begin by saying that my current abode is the second home I've purchased. The first home I bought was a condo. It was nice and homey and made me feel like some kind of feudal land owner, but as anyone who's ever lived in a condo can tell you (back me up, Terry) it's not the same as owning your own house. First off, they mow the lawn for you. Secondly, if something bad happens, like you get carpenter ants in your wooden deck, they fix it for you (back me up again, Terry). That is, after all, why you pay homeowners' dues. When I did finally make the move from the condo to my current home four years ago, one of the attractions was. . .
Let me begin by saying that my current abode is the second home I've purchased. The first home I bought was a condo. It was nice and homey and made me feel like some kind of feudal land owner, but as anyone who's ever lived in a condo can tell you (back me up, Terry) it's not the same as owning your own house. First off, they mow the lawn for you. Secondly, if something bad happens, like you get carpenter ants in your wooden deck, they fix it for you (back me up again, Terry). That is, after all, why you pay homeowners' dues. When I did finally make the move from the condo to my current home four years ago, one of the attractions was. . .
MY VERY OWN YARD
For me, the novelty of this lasted about six months. Six sweaty, gruelling, miserable months. Then I was over the whole, "I have a yard thing."
The pain began when I found a lawnmower, a nice YardMan -- self-propelled, too, at a garage sale. It was marked for $175 dollars. The lady selling it let me start it up and try it out a bit to make sure it worked. I offered $125. She gladly accepted, and I was on my way with my (sort of) new mower. I drove all the way home with a smile on my face, so pleased with the great deal I had gotten. I was totally oblivious to the fact that this green and yellows thing in the back of my mini-van was really a rolling, self-propelled, self-bagging gate to Hell.
Before I go much further, let me say that I am not opposed to hard work in general, or yard work in particular. Growing up, I did more than my fair share of things around the house. As the youngest, I was the last to get a job, so I had several extra years of mowing my parents' lawn. Really, I did a lot of the mowing, tree-trimming, etc. because my brother "worked on the computer" doing data entry for my dad's business. Since my family reads this blog, and since these events happened some 25 years ago or so, I'd just like to point out that my brother was actually playing games on the computer, not "doing work." He once told me, "The work takes me like 15 minutes. The rest of the time I play Wizadry." That's right, Fred, you paid Steve good money to earn enough experience points to move his 14th level Elven Cleric up to level 16. When you think about it, that's like getting double paid. But that's water under the bridge. Thanks to my brother's shenanigans, I mowed the family's one acre plot quite a bit. The difference then was that we had a riding mower. I got on, put on my Sony Walkman headphones, popped in my favorite RATT cassette, and the mowing was done in no time and with very little effort and/or pain.
Nowadays are a drastically different. The drudgery of following along behind the mower is not only time consuming, but mind-numbing at best. The thing I hate most about my yard (after the weeds of course) is that it is shaped weird. I live on a court, so my house has a lot shaped like a piece of pie. The front is the pointy end. It takes all of 20 minutes to mow on a slow day. The problem is the backyard. Since the front yard is the pointy piece of the pie, that means the backyard is the crust side of things. With pie-shaped pie, I enjoy the crust part because it is the most delicious. In pie-shaped yard mowing, it is a horrible part. Because the house is on the lot, too, the backyard has a fat part, then a skinny part, and then a really fat part. The really fat part of the yard is the worst. After mowing this prime piece of fat-skinny-fat real estate, I am usually soaked with sweat and my back hurts. I've often contemplated getting a riding mower now that I have a yard, but I've come to realize that it might actually take longer to mow with a riding mower because of all the twists and turns. I'd also like to point out that in addition to mowing one's own yard, one is also responsible for weed-eating one's own yard, and picking up dog poop in one's own yard.
However, like shaving (or putting on make up for some of you), mowing is a necessary evil. So there I am once a week, toiling away behind my now semi-self-propelled mower keeping my grass at a uniform height and cursing continuously under my breath. I've tried popping in the ear plugs of my iPod loaded full of my favorite RATT songs to listen to while I mow, but the mower is so loud I can't hear the iPod that well. My only saving grace is to finish up and come into the house and see my son, Lukas. My son who is always so glad to see me, and who rarely fails to tell me "Dad, the lawn loosk good." My son who will some day in the near future be mowing my lawn for me. Mowing the lawn while I do hours of "work" on the XBox.
Until next time, Excelsior true believers!!!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Ink-a-Binky-a-Bottle-of-Ink, You-Owe-Me-$81.80 and You Stink!
Most of the time, I advise people to let things go. I can hold a grudge as well as the next person, but I also recognize the fact that sometimes it's best to just let it be, not to re-hash old negative memories, or bring up grievous wrongs from years ago. It's just not healthy to do this. You have to admit, it's sound advice. And it generally works -- unless you happen to have a roommate that still owes you $81.80 in bills he never paid.
In Manhattan, KS there is a magical place known affectionately as 1215 Bertrand St. Apt. #4. This three-level, four-bedroom, two-bath townhouse is part of an apartment complex that sits on the eastern edge of the Kansas State University campus. The "apartment" was awesome. The location was awesome. And at $700 a month split four ways, the rent was more than awesome. My sister moved in there in 1986. When she moved out three years later, my brother moved in. Three years later, I moved in for one year with my brother and then lived there for several more years with a variety of roommates. If you do the math, I'm pretty sure that my parents own that place.
When I finally got my chance to be the Lord of 1215 Bertrand #4 Manor, I set about trying to find some roommates who would uphold the tradition of general awesomeness. I immediately locked down the aforementioned future members of Used Paint, Chris and Roommate Tad. We had worked together at Dillons for years, knew each other well, and they were easy to get along with. Chris was already at KSU and had lived in the dorm his first year. Tad was transferring to KSU from JCCC. We had plans for bacchanals, shenanigans, and general tomfoolery that would make Animal House Jealous (sidebar: we had a habit of telling people that the town house was our frat house. We were in Sigma Omega Beta -- think it through). We had nothing to look forward to but a spectacular year.
The problem was that we had a four bedroom place, but only three roommates. A friend of a friend was brought aboard, but when I moved some stuff in during July, I found a note that he had changed his mind and was moving back home. So we went into panic mode. Finally Roommate Tad informed us that he thought we had a roommate. It was someone he worked with who was also transferring to KSU from JCCC. We met briefly. He agreed to move in. Crisis averted!!! Everything was good...or so we thought.
Before I go much further, I will admit that since we were still pretty immature at this point in time, Chris and I took to calling our fourth roomie Binky, because he bore more than a slight resemblance to the Binky the Rabbit character in Matt Groenig's "Life is Hell" comic strip (see exhibit A at the beginning of this post). Yeah, it wasn't very nice. But neither was living with Binky. Henceforth, for the remainder of this blog, Roommate #4 will be referred to as Binky.
When Binky moved in, it wasn't bad. He had a computer, which was a pretty big deal in 1993. He had Leisure Suit Larry on the computer. He had a VCR, which we did not have to go with the TV Roommate Tad had brought. There were lots of positives to having Binky around. Then we learned that he had no intentions whatsoever of sharing any of these goodies with us.
As a matter of fact, one of the first things he did was to put a lock on his bedroom door. A keyed lock so he could lock up his bedroom door every weekend when he went home to "see his girlfriend" who we all knew was dating someone else. It was mildly humorous to sit and listen to him talk about said "girlfriend" while Roommate Tad stood behind him shaking his head sadly, revealing the truth to the rest of us. He never shared any of his cool stuff. I won't mention how he didn't share the VCR, because it still makes me angry. It also makes Chris angry, and I'm pretty sure if I could find him, Roommate Tad is also still angry. We did get treated to a demonstration of Leisure Suit Larry on the computer once, because at some point you could do something to make a 16-bit image of a woman take her top off. It was lame, even back then.
In addition to being selfish with his things, Binky was also a bit of a slob. His room smelled funny. I'm pretty sure he smelled funny, too, and he was more of a slob than your typical college guy room. He had a tendency to leave his stuff lying around. Like his open mail. Not a big deal really, until you leave the notice from the bank stating that you bounced a check at the Quik-E-Mart for the amount of one pack of cigarettes. He also smoked, which he thought we didn't know, but could smell. We could also see it, since he sat by the window in his room and blew the smoke outside.And if that wasn't bad enough, he was lazy. We would often come home to find him laying on the couch, sleeping, with his jacket over his head. It was seriously bizarre.
The apex of life with Binky though came towards the end of his stay at 1215 Bertrand #4. We had stylishly decorated our swingin' pad with a Kilian's red poster and a BatBoy cover from The Weekly World News. Bills had been paid the previous week, and since all the utilities were in my name, I had given everyone their bills for what they owed for the month. It came out to a grand total of $81.80 for everyone. The only person to not pay me promptly was Binky. One night while I was either working or at my girlfriend's, or both, the rest of the boys went to Wal-Mart. While there, Binky complained to Chris and Roommate Tad about me getting n him about paying bills. After all, didn't I understand that he was low on money? That maybe he couldn't afford to pay the $81.80 right then? Binky promptly bought himself an air pistol A nice air pistol. He then promptly brought it home and shot it at the BatBoy picture on the wall. That promptly left about a hundred holes in our sheet rock wall. Needless to say, I was pissed. The only communication I had with Binky for the remaining three weeks or so he lived there was to tell him to pay me my $81.80. He avoided me like the plague. Probably because I'm sure there were some not-so-vague threats made about beating the money he owed me out of him. I can be fairly intimidating when I want.
In the end, he moved out after one semester with promises of mailing me what he owed me. It never happened. My anger was soothed some by the fact that none of us were really sad to see him go. But I can say in all honesty that after 17 years, I still want my $81.80. And a new BatBoy poster.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
The Fest of River
Each year, Wichita, Kansas has an annual event that begins the second weekend in May and continues for 10 full days of excitement and joy called RiverFest. I have attended RiverFest off and on for the decade that I have lived in the Greater Wichita Area, but my introduction to this fine ......thing.....began back in 1995 or 1996 when my sister, Karen, was living in Wichita and I was in Junction City. I remember her calling me one night and the conversation going something like this.
"You know Mom and Dad are coming to Wichita this weekend, you should come down, too, if you don't have anything going on," my sister started.
"Oh, I don't know. Why are they going there anyway?"
"They're coming down so we can all go to RiverFest. You can come with us, it will be fun."
"What is this RiverFest you speak of?"
"It's a big annual celebration thing they do down here."
"Like the Stanley Stampede?"
"No, more like Old Settlers day."
"Well, what do you do there?"
"There games and rides and stuff. There's supposed to be some big water skiing thing, and bathtub races."
"I don't know..."
"There's funnel cake."
"I'm listening. Go on. Are there Grange Pups?"
"I don't know, but someone told me they have those big roasted turkey legs you like. And they have a lot of meat on sticks."
"Where should I meet you and what time should I be there?"
So, it was then that I got introduced to Wichita RiverFest. Upon arriving at said festival, it became clear to me that the RiverFest did indeed serve as a celebration of the Arkansas River that flows through downtown Wichita. If you've never seen the Arkansas River, let me fill you in. First off, I'd never eat something that came out of that river. Secondly, it's dirty, trashy, and generally kind of gross (even with more recent upgrades to the public areas around it). That also pretty much describes a lot of the attendees of RiverFest.
Let me be clear that I enjoy living in Wichita very much. I have met a lot of wonderful people here, especially my wife, and it's generally a very nice city. However, RiverFest inevitably draws out the dregs of society. On my first trip there in the 95-96 time frame, I remember feeling very out of place because I was not wearing jeans and a tank top. I also had nothing -- shirt, hat, tattoo -- with a Confederate flag on it. I also didn't have a mullet. I think that the reason so many fringe type people come out during RiverFest is that you can enjoy it basically for free. There's some concerts and stuff (more on that later) that you can attend by purchasing an official Wichita RiverFest button at Dillons for $5. In any case, RiverFest quickly has become my favorite place to people watch. It's a lot like being in Vegas, but you never get to say, "Hey, there's Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears," but rather, "Hey, there's someone dressed like Paris Hilton or Brittany Spears....but weighs more than me. And might not be a woman."
Yes that sounds mean, but those of you who know me know I am a very hefty man. Some of the outfits you see at RiverFest could fit Aniston, but are crammed on to someone who is literally bigger than me. And it looks....whatever the opposite of glorious is. For example, last year I saw a rather large woman wearing short shorts, and a tank top with plunging necklines that showed off her boob tattoos. And my sister-in-law was nice enough to also point out that she had her cell phone stuck in her cleavage as she ate a funnel cake.
This year, as pretty much every year, we did go to the Friday night Sun Down Parade that kicks off the big RiverFest festivities. Following the parade is a big "free" concert that is free to anyone who purchased a $5 dollar Official RiverFest button from Dillons which is in turn followed by fireworks. A couple years ago I was blessed to sit outside and listen to Nick Lachey as my wife and sister-in-law attempted to get in to get good seats. I think it was the year after that when the opening night concert was American Idol season 2 winner Ruben Studdard. Yeah, you see that we bring in the big names in Wichita. This year, Bret Michaels was slated be the free concert, and then apparently gave himself a brain hemorrhage to get out of it. Fortunately, Rockford, IL's finest, Cheap Trick, was available and stepped up to fill in for Mr. Michaels. Of course several people I talked to were excited that Cheap Trick was coming. This excitement lasted as long as it took me to say, "Quick, name five songs by Cheap Trick," which was always followed the realization that after "I Want You to Want Me" and "Dream Police" everyone draws a blank.
Any-who. . . We went to the parade this year. After parking in our usual spot, we walked to one of our favorite spots to set up for the parade. It's on a nice hill with lush grass. We got there a little before 6:00 PM (the parade begins at 6:30) and there were people already set up on our hill. My wife said, "hey let's get a spot here." And then I pointed out, "I don't think the parade route comes this way this year. The end of the street is barricaded." Which led her to ask, "Then what are these people doing?" to which I replied, "Preparing to be disappointed I guess. This is RiverFest."
Long story short, we watched the parade and then walked back to our car. The people were still sitting on the hill. Suddenly it hit me. The hill is adjacent to the amphitheater where Cheap Trick was playing. These people had come out before 6:00 PM to get a seat to listen to Cheap Trick. And if that wasn't sad enough, they were sitting there because they didn't want to pay $5 top actually see Cheap Trick. Let that sink in a second. . . THAT, ladies and gentlemen, sums up RiverFest in a nutshell for you. Well, that and funnel cakes. And meat on a stick.
RiverFest 2010 ended last night, so I now roughly 364 days to grow a mullet and buy a Confederate flag tank top. Peace out Wichita!
"You know Mom and Dad are coming to Wichita this weekend, you should come down, too, if you don't have anything going on," my sister started.
"Oh, I don't know. Why are they going there anyway?"
"They're coming down so we can all go to RiverFest. You can come with us, it will be fun."
"What is this RiverFest you speak of?"
"It's a big annual celebration thing they do down here."
"Like the Stanley Stampede?"
"No, more like Old Settlers day."
"Well, what do you do there?"
"There games and rides and stuff. There's supposed to be some big water skiing thing, and bathtub races."
"I don't know..."
"There's funnel cake."
"I'm listening. Go on. Are there Grange Pups?"
"I don't know, but someone told me they have those big roasted turkey legs you like. And they have a lot of meat on sticks."
"Where should I meet you and what time should I be there?"
So, it was then that I got introduced to Wichita RiverFest. Upon arriving at said festival, it became clear to me that the RiverFest did indeed serve as a celebration of the Arkansas River that flows through downtown Wichita. If you've never seen the Arkansas River, let me fill you in. First off, I'd never eat something that came out of that river. Secondly, it's dirty, trashy, and generally kind of gross (even with more recent upgrades to the public areas around it). That also pretty much describes a lot of the attendees of RiverFest.
Let me be clear that I enjoy living in Wichita very much. I have met a lot of wonderful people here, especially my wife, and it's generally a very nice city. However, RiverFest inevitably draws out the dregs of society. On my first trip there in the 95-96 time frame, I remember feeling very out of place because I was not wearing jeans and a tank top. I also had nothing -- shirt, hat, tattoo -- with a Confederate flag on it. I also didn't have a mullet. I think that the reason so many fringe type people come out during RiverFest is that you can enjoy it basically for free. There's some concerts and stuff (more on that later) that you can attend by purchasing an official Wichita RiverFest button at Dillons for $5. In any case, RiverFest quickly has become my favorite place to people watch. It's a lot like being in Vegas, but you never get to say, "Hey, there's Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears," but rather, "Hey, there's someone dressed like Paris Hilton or Brittany Spears....but weighs more than me. And might not be a woman."
Yes that sounds mean, but those of you who know me know I am a very hefty man. Some of the outfits you see at RiverFest could fit Aniston, but are crammed on to someone who is literally bigger than me. And it looks....whatever the opposite of glorious is. For example, last year I saw a rather large woman wearing short shorts, and a tank top with plunging necklines that showed off her boob tattoos. And my sister-in-law was nice enough to also point out that she had her cell phone stuck in her cleavage as she ate a funnel cake.
This year, as pretty much every year, we did go to the Friday night Sun Down Parade that kicks off the big RiverFest festivities. Following the parade is a big "free" concert that is free to anyone who purchased a $5 dollar Official RiverFest button from Dillons which is in turn followed by fireworks. A couple years ago I was blessed to sit outside and listen to Nick Lachey as my wife and sister-in-law attempted to get in to get good seats. I think it was the year after that when the opening night concert was American Idol season 2 winner Ruben Studdard. Yeah, you see that we bring in the big names in Wichita. This year, Bret Michaels was slated be the free concert, and then apparently gave himself a brain hemorrhage to get out of it. Fortunately, Rockford, IL's finest, Cheap Trick, was available and stepped up to fill in for Mr. Michaels. Of course several people I talked to were excited that Cheap Trick was coming. This excitement lasted as long as it took me to say, "Quick, name five songs by Cheap Trick," which was always followed the realization that after "I Want You to Want Me" and "Dream Police" everyone draws a blank.
Any-who. . . We went to the parade this year. After parking in our usual spot, we walked to one of our favorite spots to set up for the parade. It's on a nice hill with lush grass. We got there a little before 6:00 PM (the parade begins at 6:30) and there were people already set up on our hill. My wife said, "hey let's get a spot here." And then I pointed out, "I don't think the parade route comes this way this year. The end of the street is barricaded." Which led her to ask, "Then what are these people doing?" to which I replied, "Preparing to be disappointed I guess. This is RiverFest."
Long story short, we watched the parade and then walked back to our car. The people were still sitting on the hill. Suddenly it hit me. The hill is adjacent to the amphitheater where Cheap Trick was playing. These people had come out before 6:00 PM to get a seat to listen to Cheap Trick. And if that wasn't sad enough, they were sitting there because they didn't want to pay $5 top actually see Cheap Trick. Let that sink in a second. . . THAT, ladies and gentlemen, sums up RiverFest in a nutshell for you. Well, that and funnel cakes. And meat on a stick.
RiverFest 2010 ended last night, so I now roughly 364 days to grow a mullet and buy a Confederate flag tank top. Peace out Wichita!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I'm With The Band
Recent postings on my friend Terry's blog and several conversations with my friend/former roommate Chris over fantasy baseball have led me to finally share this little known fact about myself: When I was in college, I was in a band. Our name was Used Paint. Used Paint consisted of myself, my aforementioned roommate Chris, one of my other roommates, tad, and my older brother Steve. We had an album named "When In Rome. . ." We had several hit songs. We had a feature interview in Rolling Stone. We even had one member trendily spend a stint in rehab. Now many of you are probably asking (especially you, Mom), "Why don't I remember hearing about Used Paint in the early to mid-90s?" or "Why don't I remember you being in a band?" It's simple really, Used Paint didn't really exist. What follows is a brief albeit strange, history of the mega-hyped, super-powered sound explosion known as Used Paint. . .
At some point when you're studying education at Kansas State University, you're required to take a class called Human Growth and Development. The semester I enrolled in this class, Chris took it too and we coincidentally ended up in the same class. The class consisted of two parts -- lecture and recitation. The lecture part was incredibly boring, and you were informed that you could buy all the class notes pre-bound at CopyCo, but it happened to fall in-between two classes I actually needed, so Chris and I ended up attending regularly. The first couple classes we entertained ourselves by scribbling notes and drawing pictures about one of our roommates we referred to as Binky (that is a whole other blog people).
Somehow or other, we got on the topic of the Steven Wright bit about going to the used hardware store. He says, "I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house." I don't remember all the details, but I do remember Chris saying, "Used Paint. That would be a great name for a band." And he was right. So we set about creating Used Paint: The Band.
Human Growth and Development lecture time became our time to create Used Paint. We started by assigning roles: Chris played drums, I was on vocals, Roommate Tad was on bass, and my brother, Steve, played the guitar. We did not include Binky, though we worked him in as a peripheral character who was a former band member like all of Spinal Tap's deceased drummers. The band members were funny to us for several reasons. First, Chris couldn't play drums, nor did he own any. Two, I don't sing particularly well, and my area of musical expertise was the bassoon (no lie). Third, Roommate Tad actually could play the bass real well -- the stand up kind you play in high school orchestra. (Tad was always pictured as playing the stand up bass in Used Paint, rather than an electric one). Our saviour was Steve, who does play the guitar (and bass) very well, and actually did move on to join a real, live, good band in Austin.
Once we had that part down, it was time to create some music. Not real music, mind you, just album and song titles. We sat in lecture jotting down titles and placing them in lists for albums. Our first album, "When In Rome. . ." was a hit. If I remember correctly, the break out song from that album was entitled "Pope in a Can." Every weird thing we heard someone say, or that just popped into our head became a song title. In these days prior to Denis Leary hitting it big, we actually had a song titled, "You're an A**hole." And then felt grievously offended when Leary came out with his song by the same title.
This thing we created, Used Paint, began to grow and take on a life of its own. We told Steve and Roommate Tad about it, and they were on board, too. I spent way too much time devoting time better spent studying to creating my fake band. Sitting around the apartment, it inevitably worked it's way into every conversation, which led to us brainstorming more and more ideas for our band that didn't exist. We began working on our second album "Muck," which came together much faster. We followed "Muck" with a special album called "Used Paint's The Wide Album." It was much like The Beatles "White Album" with a white cover...but it was extra wide so it stuck out from all the other DVDs on the rack. Not only could we fake play in a band successfully, we were marketing geniuses!!! The band took a short hiatus while Roommate Tad went to rehab for fast food addiction. In all seriousness, and he was a great roommate mind you, he did eat a lot of fast food. Especially McDonald's.
With Roommate Tad back from rehab, and the semester of human Growth and Development coming to an end, Used Paint made one last grasp for glory. The band returned with a new album, "Songs from 1215 Bertrand #4," that we claimed was live stuff, unreleased tracks, B-Sides, and one new song. This isn't a new concept, since bands like Aerosmith and Def Leppard do this all the time -- usually to create just enough interest to have a mildly successful tri-state tour.
It was during this time that the Rolling Stone interview began to take shape. Inane questions were written down, followed by inane answers that played on the quirks of every band member. For example, Steve, a man of few words, answered questions several lines long with responses like "yep" and "mhmm." Roommate Tad, who overused the F-word, was censored out of most of the interview (though I did put the Beetle Bailey staple &%$#@! in place of the swear words). When I look back now, I think it was the notoriety of a completely untrue Rolling Stone interview that tore Used Paint apart. Maybe it was all the fake fame that went to our heads. Or maybe, just maybe, it was that we all started looking at graduation and stuff. I know one of us got a serious girlfriend, one of us broke up with a serious a girlfriend (not the same person), we got a new roommate who not only shared his VCR (unlike Binky) but also brought along a collection of adult films on VHS, and the semester dwindled to an end. Used Paint ended not with a bang, but a whimper. I can say for a fact that somewhere out there in cyber space is a file from one of my computers with a half-typed version of "Used Paint: The Rolling Stone Interview" -- hand to God, it's true.
I don't usually wax nostalgic, but it was fun thinking back on those times that seem so long ago. I guess eventually we all have to "grow up" and "be responsible," but maybe as we get older we take ourselves too seriously. I was watching "Step Brothers" the other day, which is really a pretty ridiculous movie, and I kind of got caught by the scene where Dale's dad tells the two matured man-child characters to never lose sight of that inner child, and to let it shine. Even though I still read comic books against my wife's wishes, and I watch cartoons with my kids--a lot, I miss my band. I am calling now for the Used Paint Fake Reunion Tour 2010. We need a bassist, so if anyone knows where Roommate tad is, let him know we getting back together.
By the way, the previous paragraph should be read as a voice over using the voice of that guy who narrated The Wonder Years. Peace out. . . . Used Paint Fake Rocks!!!!
At some point when you're studying education at Kansas State University, you're required to take a class called Human Growth and Development. The semester I enrolled in this class, Chris took it too and we coincidentally ended up in the same class. The class consisted of two parts -- lecture and recitation. The lecture part was incredibly boring, and you were informed that you could buy all the class notes pre-bound at CopyCo, but it happened to fall in-between two classes I actually needed, so Chris and I ended up attending regularly. The first couple classes we entertained ourselves by scribbling notes and drawing pictures about one of our roommates we referred to as Binky (that is a whole other blog people).
Somehow or other, we got on the topic of the Steven Wright bit about going to the used hardware store. He says, "I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house." I don't remember all the details, but I do remember Chris saying, "Used Paint. That would be a great name for a band." And he was right. So we set about creating Used Paint: The Band.
Human Growth and Development lecture time became our time to create Used Paint. We started by assigning roles: Chris played drums, I was on vocals, Roommate Tad was on bass, and my brother, Steve, played the guitar. We did not include Binky, though we worked him in as a peripheral character who was a former band member like all of Spinal Tap's deceased drummers. The band members were funny to us for several reasons. First, Chris couldn't play drums, nor did he own any. Two, I don't sing particularly well, and my area of musical expertise was the bassoon (no lie). Third, Roommate Tad actually could play the bass real well -- the stand up kind you play in high school orchestra. (Tad was always pictured as playing the stand up bass in Used Paint, rather than an electric one). Our saviour was Steve, who does play the guitar (and bass) very well, and actually did move on to join a real, live, good band in Austin.
Once we had that part down, it was time to create some music. Not real music, mind you, just album and song titles. We sat in lecture jotting down titles and placing them in lists for albums. Our first album, "When In Rome. . ." was a hit. If I remember correctly, the break out song from that album was entitled "Pope in a Can." Every weird thing we heard someone say, or that just popped into our head became a song title. In these days prior to Denis Leary hitting it big, we actually had a song titled, "You're an A**hole." And then felt grievously offended when Leary came out with his song by the same title.
This thing we created, Used Paint, began to grow and take on a life of its own. We told Steve and Roommate Tad about it, and they were on board, too. I spent way too much time devoting time better spent studying to creating my fake band. Sitting around the apartment, it inevitably worked it's way into every conversation, which led to us brainstorming more and more ideas for our band that didn't exist. We began working on our second album "Muck," which came together much faster. We followed "Muck" with a special album called "Used Paint's The Wide Album." It was much like The Beatles "White Album" with a white cover...but it was extra wide so it stuck out from all the other DVDs on the rack. Not only could we fake play in a band successfully, we were marketing geniuses!!! The band took a short hiatus while Roommate Tad went to rehab for fast food addiction. In all seriousness, and he was a great roommate mind you, he did eat a lot of fast food. Especially McDonald's.
With Roommate Tad back from rehab, and the semester of human Growth and Development coming to an end, Used Paint made one last grasp for glory. The band returned with a new album, "Songs from 1215 Bertrand #4," that we claimed was live stuff, unreleased tracks, B-Sides, and one new song. This isn't a new concept, since bands like Aerosmith and Def Leppard do this all the time -- usually to create just enough interest to have a mildly successful tri-state tour.
It was during this time that the Rolling Stone interview began to take shape. Inane questions were written down, followed by inane answers that played on the quirks of every band member. For example, Steve, a man of few words, answered questions several lines long with responses like "yep" and "mhmm." Roommate Tad, who overused the F-word, was censored out of most of the interview (though I did put the Beetle Bailey staple &%$#@! in place of the swear words). When I look back now, I think it was the notoriety of a completely untrue Rolling Stone interview that tore Used Paint apart. Maybe it was all the fake fame that went to our heads. Or maybe, just maybe, it was that we all started looking at graduation and stuff. I know one of us got a serious girlfriend, one of us broke up with a serious a girlfriend (not the same person), we got a new roommate who not only shared his VCR (unlike Binky) but also brought along a collection of adult films on VHS, and the semester dwindled to an end. Used Paint ended not with a bang, but a whimper. I can say for a fact that somewhere out there in cyber space is a file from one of my computers with a half-typed version of "Used Paint: The Rolling Stone Interview" -- hand to God, it's true.
I don't usually wax nostalgic, but it was fun thinking back on those times that seem so long ago. I guess eventually we all have to "grow up" and "be responsible," but maybe as we get older we take ourselves too seriously. I was watching "Step Brothers" the other day, which is really a pretty ridiculous movie, and I kind of got caught by the scene where Dale's dad tells the two matured man-child characters to never lose sight of that inner child, and to let it shine. Even though I still read comic books against my wife's wishes, and I watch cartoons with my kids--a lot, I miss my band. I am calling now for the Used Paint Fake Reunion Tour 2010. We need a bassist, so if anyone knows where Roommate tad is, let him know we getting back together.
By the way, the previous paragraph should be read as a voice over using the voice of that guy who narrated The Wonder Years. Peace out. . . . Used Paint Fake Rocks!!!!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Sudden Realizations
Every once in awhile things (these are generally called "thoughts" by most people) pop into my head. Whenever I can, I try to right them down. At the very least I commit them to memory. The following is a sampling of some of the random thoughts that pop into my head on a daily basis:
- I'm pretty sure that the ATF could end the war on drugs if they simply raided the NickToons studio. My daughter is hooked on a show called "Ni Hao Kai-Lan" which contains a koala who dresses like a panda, a monkey who spins turntables like a DJ, and a rhino that floats around on a balloon tied to her horn. There's really not that much more to say about it other than that. Seriously, a monkey playing turntables?
- I forgot to mention that "Ni Hao Kai-Lan" takes place in China. I'm still trying to figure out why the hell there's a koala and a rhino in China. If you really want to blow your mind consider this, there's also a polar bear in this show, too.
- Every time I tell someone that we're expecting another child, they always say, "Hey, congratulations! That's great!" Even though I'm very gracious, I always kind of want to respond, "It's not that big a deal, all I did was have sex."
- I really miss reading "Calvin and Hobbes." Not the comic strip, the philosophers.
- With my impending fatherhood, I've been trying to be more reflective and think of all the good advice my dad gave me so I can pass it down. The only thing I can ever seriously remember is the advice he gave me about girls: "If you don't want to go out with her anymore, just quit answering her calls. She'll get the hint." Hand to God, that is a genuine Fred-ism.
- A lot of the other things I remember my dad saying to me involve profanity. Since my mom reads my blog, I'll leave those out. I don't want the old man getting in trouble. And if you read my previous entry, you'll understand why I don't pass those on to my daughter.
- the Boomerang network is the biggest tease on the cable box. It plays all these shows you loved growing up, but then you watch them and realize how truly crappy they really were. Yes, "Jabberjaw" and "Speed Buggy" you fall under that category.
- On that same topic, you'd think the combined might of a house cat and a wizard could capture at least one smurf. Gargamel obviously didn't attend Hogwart's.
- I turned 39 yesterday. I celebrated my birthday by buying comic books, eating ice cream, and receiving several cards about farting. I can't wait for 40!
- You know how when there's a plane crash, everything is destroyed except for the Black Box?. . . Why didn't they make the Death Star our of that stuff. If the Empire had thought that through, Luke Skywalker would probably be a clerk at O'Reilly's in Tashi Station right now.
To quote Forrest Gump, "That's all I got to say about that." If anyone has any topics they'd like to see me write about (like why we need a re-boot of the Howard the Duck movie franchise), feel free to post them here or on Facebook. I'm always looking for topics. Until next time...Excelsior, true believers!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Of Darling Little Girls and Profanity
A couple weeks ago, I got to celebrate my daughter's 3rd birthday. It was a joyous occasion with Grammy and Grandy coming to visit from Texas and cupcakes and Hello Kitty things and Princesses everywhere. It's the kind of birthday party one would expect for a darling little three-year-old girl. Yeah, that's her up there. Cute as a button. The thing is that when others are not around, my darling baby girl is quite a stinker. It's called the "terrible twos," only the experts don't tell you that this phase actually begins at age three and lasts until roughly 8th grade.
I have to admit, I've been a bit spoiled. My son is, for all intents and purposes, a pretty low-maintenance child. He rarely acts up, and when he does it's easy to weather the storm because it happens so rarely. He's generally a pretty good role model for his little sister. Lately, though, she's taken to repeating just about anything her older brother says. Or anyone else says for that matter. It's a phase, and we deal with it, because the boy went through the same thing. I remember driving with my wife once, the same wife who was always on me about watching my language around our young son, when she told me, "Oh blow it out your ass!' That was followed by a small voice from the back of the van saying, "Ass mommy!" I think both of us were too stunned to say anything, so we just let it go and that was the end of that.
I bring this up, because it directly relates to my adorable, charming, beautiful daughter, who you might remember, is in the repeating things phase. The other night I was watching a movie on my free HBO, when my daughter decided to join me. I didn't think much of it until one of the characters in the movie said, "F- - - yeah!" I'd seen the movie several times before, so, again, I didn't think much of it. That is until a small voice next to me said, "F- - - yeah, daddy!"
Instead of giving her the stunned silence I gave my son in similar circumstances, I decided that I should nip this in the butt and take matters into my own hands. I was going to be the parent and correct this inappropriate behavior. I put on my teacher voice and calmly explained to my daughter, "Honey, we don't talk that way. Just because they said it on TV doesn't mean it's OK for little girls to say."
To which my daughter replied, "F- - - yeah!"
Now I knew I needed to take care of this, so I put on my mean teacher voice and said, "You do NOT say that young lady. That is totally inappropriate and I don't want to ever hear you say that again."
My daughter pouted and got off the couch and scowled and I knew I had made my point clear, and congratulated myself on a job well done correcting this little problem.
But as I sat smugly on the couch, my daughter turned to me, arms crossed, and said, "I say f- - - yeah all I want!"
Now there was stunned silence.
My darling daughter then turned and said, "I going upstairs!" and started to walk upstairs. At that point, all I could think to say was, "Don't say that in front of your mom!"
I related this little incident to my parents when they came up for the big princess party. In between owls of laughter, my dad said something about deserving everything I get. I don't know he says that, but I find that he says it a lot. Especially after my kids have done something incredible stupid/profane/dangerous/ridiculous/profane. I really, honestly don't know why my dad says that, because as far as I remember, I was a nearly perfect child.
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