The Fest of River

Each year, Wichita, Kansas has an annual event that begins the second weekend in May and continues for 10 full days of excitement and joy called RiverFest. I have attended RiverFest off and on for the decade that I have lived in the Greater Wichita Area, but my introduction to this fine ......thing.....began back in 1995 or 1996 when my sister, Karen, was living in Wichita and I was in Junction City. I remember her calling me one night and the conversation going something like this.

"You know Mom and Dad are coming to Wichita this weekend, you should come down, too, if you don't have anything going on," my sister started.
"Oh, I don't know. Why are they going there anyway?"
"They're coming down so we can all go to RiverFest. You can come with us, it will be fun."
"What is this RiverFest you speak of?"
"It's a big annual celebration thing they do down here."
"Like the Stanley Stampede?"
"No, more like Old Settlers day."
"Well, what do you do there?"
"There games and rides and stuff. There's supposed to be some big water skiing thing, and bathtub races."
"I don't know..."
"There's funnel cake."
"I'm listening. Go on. Are there Grange Pups?"
"I don't know, but someone told me they have those big roasted turkey legs you like. And they have a lot of meat on sticks."
"Where should I meet you and what time should I be there?"

So, it was then that I got introduced to Wichita RiverFest. Upon arriving at said festival, it became clear to me that the RiverFest did indeed serve as a celebration of the Arkansas River that flows through downtown Wichita. If you've never seen the Arkansas River, let me fill you in. First off, I'd never eat something that came out of that river. Secondly, it's dirty, trashy, and generally kind of gross (even with more recent upgrades to the public areas around it). That also pretty much describes a lot of the attendees of RiverFest.

Let me be clear that I enjoy living in Wichita very much. I have met a lot of wonderful people here, especially my wife, and it's generally a very nice city. However, RiverFest inevitably draws out the dregs of society. On my first trip there in the 95-96 time frame, I remember feeling very out of place because I was not wearing jeans and a tank top. I also had nothing -- shirt, hat, tattoo -- with a Confederate flag on it. I also didn't have a mullet. I think that the reason so many fringe type people come out during RiverFest is that you can enjoy it basically for free. There's some concerts and stuff (more on that later) that you can attend by purchasing an official Wichita RiverFest button at Dillons for $5. In any case, RiverFest quickly has become my favorite place to people watch. It's a lot like being in Vegas, but you never get to say, "Hey, there's Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears," but rather, "Hey, there's someone dressed like Paris Hilton or Brittany Spears....but weighs more than me. And might not be a woman."

Yes that sounds mean, but those of you who know me know I am a very hefty man. Some of the outfits you see at RiverFest could fit Aniston, but are crammed on to someone who is literally bigger than me. And it looks....whatever the opposite of glorious is. For example, last year I saw a rather large woman wearing short shorts, and a tank top with plunging necklines that showed off her boob tattoos. And my sister-in-law was nice enough to also point out that she had her cell phone stuck in her cleavage as she ate a funnel cake.

This year, as pretty much every year, we did go to the Friday night Sun Down Parade that kicks off the big RiverFest festivities. Following the parade is a big "free" concert that is free to anyone who purchased a $5 dollar Official RiverFest button from Dillons which is in turn followed by fireworks. A couple years ago I was blessed to sit outside and listen to Nick Lachey as my wife and sister-in-law attempted to get in to get good seats. I think it was the year after that when the opening night concert was American Idol season 2 winner Ruben Studdard. Yeah, you see that we bring in the big names in Wichita. This year, Bret Michaels was slated be the free concert, and then apparently gave himself a brain hemorrhage to get out of it. Fortunately, Rockford, IL's finest, Cheap Trick, was available and stepped up to fill in for Mr. Michaels. Of course several people I talked to were excited that Cheap Trick was coming. This excitement lasted as long as it took me to say, "Quick, name five songs by Cheap Trick," which was always followed the realization that after "I Want You to Want Me" and "Dream Police" everyone draws a blank.

Any-who. . . We went to the parade this year. After parking in our usual spot, we walked to one of our favorite spots to set up for the parade. It's on a nice hill with lush grass. We got there a little before 6:00 PM (the parade begins at 6:30) and there were people already set up on our hill. My wife said, "hey let's get a spot here." And then I pointed out, "I don't think the parade route comes this way this year. The end of the street is barricaded." Which led her to ask, "Then what are these people doing?" to which I replied, "Preparing to be disappointed I guess. This is RiverFest."

Long story short, we watched the parade and then walked back to our car. The people were still sitting on the hill. Suddenly it hit me. The hill is adjacent to the amphitheater where Cheap Trick was playing. These people had come out before 6:00 PM to get a seat to listen to Cheap Trick. And if that wasn't sad enough, they were sitting there because they didn't want to pay $5 top actually see Cheap Trick. Let that sink in a second. . . THAT, ladies and gentlemen, sums up RiverFest in a nutshell for you. Well, that and funnel cakes. And meat on a stick.

RiverFest 2010 ended last night, so I now roughly 364 days to grow a mullet and buy a Confederate flag tank top. Peace out Wichita!