Make Room for . . . That Next Guy

In a previous post, I chronicled the rise and fall of our roommate Binky and the outstanding abode of 1215 Bertrand #4. With Binky's early departure, Chris, Roommate Tad, and I were left with an empty room we needed to fill ASAP so that we wouldn't have to spend roughly an extra $57 apiece in rent for the next month. So we did what any logical college kids would do. We put an advertisement in the Daily Collegian.
Roommate Tad, who had gone back to the apartment early after Christmas Break to work at Dillon's (where we all worked) was in charge of Operation: Find Someone To Live in The 4th Bedroom. It wasn't long before Tad called us back in the Greater KC Area to let us know that we had a potential roommate. He was an engineering student, he had just finished his enlistment in the US Army, and he "seemed pretty cool." We reminded Roommate Tad that he had also told us that Binky "seemed pretty cool" as well. Fortunately, Roommate Tad's instincts were on this time. Our new roommate, who we'll call Keflin (because that's his name) was indeed pretty cool.
We immediately discovered a couple of the things we liked about Keflin, that also separated him from his predecessor. He had steady income as a reservist in the US Army and for being on the GI Bill. He had a VCR that he was willing to share. He had a subscription to Playboy which he was also willing to share. (Author's note: These three things are listed in the order of importance as they appear to a 39-year-old, but not necessarily the order of importance as they appeared to a 20-year-old)
One of the things we learned about Keflin was that he had served in Iraq and Kuwait during Operation: Desert Storm. He had stories about his time there, some of them funny, some of them scary, some of them kind of gory, all of them interesting to a bunch of white bread kids from the suburbs. We also quickly discovered that having been in the army for four years, he had no idea to live on his own. He knew nothing about basic survival skills.
I'll give you some examples of how we learned this about our new roommate. First, we found an open bottle of Ranch Dressing in the cabinet. We explained to Keflin that if something said "Refrigerate After Opening" that you actually had to refrigerate it after you opened it. The second example involves a small propane grill we had. Keflin discovered he could operate it, and grill things. He immediately went out and bought a six-pack of KC strip steaks. He opened the package,took out one and grilled it. Then he left the open package in the fridge for a couple days. We told Keflin that when you bought meat you had to eat it, or freeze it. SO the next day we found the open package of five steaks in the freezer. So, being good roommates, we told Keflin that you had to wrap stuff up, or it would get freezer burn and taste funny. Keflin then went ahead and thawed out all five remaining steaks, grilled one, said it tasted OK, wrapped up the four remaining thawed steaks and put them in the freezer. Roommate Tad, Chris and I started planning a new roommate ad for when Keflin would inevitably be hospitalized for eating the steaks, but it never happened.
It became clear pretty fast that Keflin was a decent guy and a pretty good addition. At the very least he attended class regularly, he paid his bills on time and he was happy to buy and share beer on a regular basis. I got to know Keflin pretty good, because during the summer we were the only two living in the apartment. He was an OK guy. Here are some of the highlights I remember from the Keflin era at 1215 Bertrand #4.

• We once had a Halloween party at the apartment. Keflin came dressed in his battle camouflage uniform and a gas mask. I asked him, "How did you get a gas mask off a military base?" He replied that he hadn't, but that he'd taken it off a dead Iraqi soldier. Roommate Tad looked at him and said, "So you're saying that you got that off a dead person's face, and now you're wearing it on YOUR face?" Keflin promptly took off the gas mask.
• He and I went to Last Chance one night during the summer and he told me he wasn't planning on drinking. We got separated shortly after we got there, and when I found him he had a 32 oz Big Beer in each hand. "I thought you weren't going to drink," I said. He replied, "You have to have more than a $5 order to start a credit card tab. You want a big beer?" I said "sure" and Keflin promptly flagged down a waitress and ordered two big beers for me.
• Keflin was Filipino, and rice had always been a staple part of his diet. As stated previously, he had limited kitchen skills, so he bought an electric rice maker. When he messed up using that, too, he found a Filipino lady in Manhattan and gave her something like $50 a week to cook Filipino meals for him. He was a lot happier after that.
• Keflin had a Thai girlfriend named Pang. Pang's best friend was also Thai, and she was named Ping. No, I am not making this up.
• The summer it was just Keflin and I in the house, I once got a phone bill (which was under my name) for $400+. I went to Keflin and asked him why the phone bill was so high. Part of the reason was that he had made a bunch of calls to Pang . . . who was in Thailand for the summer. The rest of it was due to a call he made to a (adult chat) number. "Why did you call that?" I asked him. "I was bored and I saw an ad on TV. It was pretty stupid." was his reply. "Then why did you stay on the line for [looking at bill] 18 minutes?" I asked. "I thought it might get better."

All in all, Keflin wasn't a bad guy. Years later I would become friends with a guy named Mason. During casual conversation, Mason mentioned an old college roommate named Keflin. Sure enough, it was the same one. And most of Mason's stories were like my own. But things were fine with Keflin, and 1215 Bertrand #4 was a happy place again. And then Chris decided to get married. . .