An Open Letter to Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,

Lately, there has been a slew of superhero movies that have been hugely successful. Since you, above all else, follow every successful trend, you now have a slew of new superhero movies in the works. I just heard last week that, after years of speculation, there is finally going to be a Green Lantern movie. I'll admit, I was shocked when Ryan Reynolds was announced as the lead role. Didn't he already star in two Marvel movies? Do you not realize that crossing company lines like that is a heinous, despicable act that is only carried out by the most scurvy demons from the depths of Hell (and Jeph Loeb)? But I will give Ryan -- and you, Hollywood -- a break on this. Mainly because I think he will be good. I was still holding out hope that he'd get to be the Flash, but ever since David Goyer left that project, I haven't been very optimistic. Personally, I would have gone for that dream boat, John Hamm, from TV"s "Mad Men," but I'm sure you made the right call in casting your superhero...

OR DID YOU???

Hollywood, I have a beef with you about some of the people you haven't cast in roles for superhero movies. Actually, I have a beef with you because you haven't cast ME in any of your superhero movies. Sure, I'm not a trained actor, and I haven't had any formal training, and I haven't actually been in any dramatic production since I played a dancer in the musical "Oklahoma!" in 1989, but I'm good. Real good. If you don't believe me, ask someone about my reading of "Of Mice and Men." Malkovich stole that character from me.

When you first announced that you were making a Hulk movie, I waited patiently by the phone for weeks awaiting my call. Nothing. Not even a role as a stunt double. When you announced you'd be making a Fantastic Four movie, I realized that you must have been saving me for the role of The Thing. Nope. You cast The Commish. Surely, I thought, I'd get my chance as Marv in Sin City. Once again, passed over -- this time in favor of a fat Mickey Rourke. Well, then word was leaked the X-Men III would have the Beast in it. Ah, here was my chance. I wouldn't even need fake fur, just blue spray paint. No, that went to Frasier. And then to add insult to injury, Niles got to be in Hellboy. And again, new Hulk movie, same result. Oh, Hollywood, you are a cruel harlot mistress, you are.

You're probably asking yourself, "Why is he bringing up the pas? We can't change that." No, you can't, but you can rectify these wrongs. I refer you back to the first paragraph of this letter. Hollywood, you are making a Green Lantern movie. I am telling you now, and openly for all to read -- I WANT TO BE KILOWOG!!!

If you, once again, do not cast me in a role I was meant to fulfill, I have no other choice but to ban myself from watching any superhero movies for a period lasting no more than one day.

Thank you, and tell Ryan Reynolds I am looking forward to working with him.