In my last blog post, I detailed my struggles with weight loss/gain throughout most of my life. The last part of that dealt with me losing a considerable amount of weight due to a health condition I wasn't even aware of. Some people know all of that story. Some people know some of that story. And I'm sure there are some of you who know nothing of that story. If I've learned anything from my friend Terry's blog and the blog/comic strip of Mark Teel it's that readers seem to like personal stories. Since it's now the fifth anniversary of that experience, I will tell you that story (in several parts). . .
It begins like this: Chris Farley saved my life. That may sound very odd, but it's true. I've spent the better part of my adult life being compared to Chris Farley, so it was only natural for me to appreciate his body of work. As a stressful first semester of the 05-06 school year as winding down, I was allowing my students to watch the epic film Tommy Boy as I graded finals and put grades into the computer.
I happened to look up during one of my favorite parts and the screen was obscured by a large gray blob shaped like the state of West Virgina. I blinked and looked back at the screen. It was still there. I rubbed my contact a little. Still West Virginia. Finally, I asked the class, "Does anyone else see a large gray blob on the screen?" The consensus agreement was that I was crazy.
I convinced myself that it was probably time to change my contacts, so once I got home I changed them out. I opened my refreshed eyes to see . . . West Virginia. I took out my contacts and put on my glasses. Still saw the blob hovering in the middle of my vision. I told my wife, who is a nurse, about it. Even though she had no explanation for it, she told me she'd get me an appointment with our eye doctor ASAP.
In the meantime, I did what any normal person would do under these circumstances -- I got online and went to Web MD and Yahoo! Health and any other site I could think of. This, of course, did nothing more than scare the crap out of me. Explanations for my symptoms ranged macular degeneration to AIDS. I sorted through all the information, assured myself I'd know if I had AIDS and that I was most likely too young for macular degeneration. The only thing that made sense was a detached retina. It made sense because a few days prior to the appearance of the blob, I had banged my head hard enough to see stars and black out momentarily. Heck, I once had a soccer player detach his retina heading a ball, so it wasn't beyond the realm of possibility.
I went to bed that night convinced that I would go see the doctor the next day and he'd tell me that I had a detached retina and they would have some cool plan for fixing it. This did not help me sleep well that night. Actually, I hadn't been sleeping well at night for quite some time. I would rarely go to bed before midnight, and my sleep was constantly interrupted by me laying awake listening to the blood rush through my ears. As I said previously, I had had a very stressful first semester, and I attributed my lack of sleep to stress. I'd also been fighting a sinus infection for quite sometime as well, which was giving me pounding headaches. I'd often go to bed at midnight, wake up at 4:00 AM, and then not go back to bed. At least I'd be able to get the eye thing figured out quickly and be able to look at people without West Virginia being in the way.
The next morning my wife called and told me she'd been able to get me into the optometrist that day. It was a pretty routine appointment until he looked in the right eye. His diagnosis shocked me. I didn't have a detached retina. I had a burst blood vessel in my eye. West Virgina was actually blood in the goopy stuff (vitreous humor -- i know the real term) inside my eye. Furthermore, I had a couple more blood vessels in both eyes that were quite swollen. he went down a checklist with me. Did I have diabetes? No. Did I have a history of high blood pressure? No. I'd been on blood pressure medicine once several years ago, but through exercise and my recent weight loss it had been great lately. I just had it checked recently (in fact it had been four months). Had I had any major blows to the head recently? Check! I told him of hitting my head in the closet. He agreed that may be the cause of my problem, and set up an appointment with a retinal specialist about 10 days from then. I felt pretty good as I left the optometrist's office.
That night, my wife and I discussed things. I told her what the doctor had said.
"Well, do you think your blood pressure might be high again?" she asked.
"No. It's been fine. Last time I took it -- like a month ago -- it was 120/80, The lowest it's been on forever. And I've been exercising, and I've lost 45 pounds. Why would it be high?" I said.
"well, you keep having those headaches, and that can be a sign of high blood pressure."
"I have a sinus infection is all. You know I get those all the time."
"Well, Maybe you should go to the doctor and find out for sure. At least to get something for the sinus infection, because the antibiotics you've been taking aren't working, obviously."
"OK, I'll go."
Like any man, I put off going to the doctor. A few nights later we had Christmas Eve at my mother-in-law's house. I could barely do anything, since my head was pounding. My mother-in-law kindly gave me an 800mg ibuprofen tablet she had leftover from a recent surgery. It helped a little. I did notice, though, as I ran around the house with Lukas and his cousin, I was winded easily and sweating profusely. Sweating profusely is not a state of concern for me usually, it's just my usual state. This night, however, was different. It was almost like a cold sweat. I also noticed I was having trouble following a conversation whenever I took a break and sat down to talk with the adults. I brushed it off, and the next day I felt better.
My wife kept after me about seeing the doctor about my sinus infection. Finally, on December 30th, I caved in and went to immediate care. I went in early, at 8:00 AM, Lukas in tow, to beat any rush. I got in quickly and the nurse took me back.
"What are you here for today?" she asked.
"I think I have a sinus infection," I replied.
"And what makes you think you have a sinus infection?"
"Well, I keep having these horrible headaches right here," i said as I made a motion to the general area of my sinus cavities.
The nurse laughed and said, "OK, let's get your vitals and then we'll get you back to see the doctor."
I sat down and she took my temperature. It was fine. Then she hooked me up to a blood pressure machine. It started and then beeped that it was finished.
"Well, let's check that again," the nurse said, " Do you get nervous when you go to the doctor?"
"A little. It depends on the doctor, " I said as she started the machine again.
"Hmm. That's the same again. Do you have a history of high blood pressure?"
"No, not really. I usually run a little high on those machine things, instead of the arm cuff though."
"Well, this is more than little high," the nurse said with a look of concern on her face.
This led to a look of concern on my face, "What is it?"
"210/140"
Next time: The Slow and the Serious
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
The Battle of the Bulge
I am writing this having just returned from an arduous workout at the nearest YMCA. It is the second such workout of this week (which is two days old). That is more exercise than I've had in months. But following Thanksgiving dinner, and a lot of heavy breathing (OK, it was gasping!)following the annual fathers vs. sons family football game, I decided I should start getting serious about losing some weight. After all, I will be turning the big 4-0 in a few months and I have my yearly check up/lab tests with my nephrologist at the end of the month, and I'd kind of like it if my doctor didn't admonish me about my weight in that very calm, pleasantly soothing voice of his.
Before any of you get any ideas about giving me hot tips to lose weight, I'll just let you know I've been down this road before. I have to eat less, eat healthier, and exercise. Period. Just so you know, I have a long history of losing weight (and putting it back on). What follows is some of the high and low lights of those endeavors. . .
Spring 1987
The Damage: I suffered through a soccer season in the fall where I was dubbed "The Roly-Poly Goalie" by my teammates, despite being the varsity starter for most of the season. I seriously look a little bit like a beachball with legs, or maybe a cube. Self-esteem is not high. Dates are not plentiful.
The Turning Point: My mom bets me a set of contact lenses that I can't lose 30 lbs in 30 days. I really, REALLY wanted to get rid of my glasses.
The Outcome: I don't lose 30 lbs in 30 days, but I do get 25 off. My mom extends the deadline 30 more days. With her packing my lunch and getting me up to exercise every morning, I end up losing 35 lbs. Still can't get a date. I do get contacts. I don't have them when the family takes a vacation to Florida as I'd hoped. However, once in Florida, the first order of business is to buy a half shirt that says "Life's A Beach" and wear it for most of the trip.
Added Bonus: Returning to school in August, a new student tells a longtime friend that she thinks I'm "hot." Looking back, it may have been the new body, it might have been the new contacts, or it might have been that my mullet was now down to my shoulders. I tend to believe it's all of the above.
Fall 1989
The Damage: I learn that boys are not immune to the dreaded "Freshman 15" when you go to college. I have packed on my 15 by Thanksgiving. I have to ask my parents to buy me new jeans.
The Turning Point: I get back to school and discover that some of the guys I've been hanging out with know something about lifting weights and stuff. I begin to lift weights and stuff. I start to play a lot of pick up basketball -- even though I suck at basketball. I also begin to actually attend that class I have to walk to the other side of campus to attend, and walk to Aggieville less frequently.
The Outcome: As quickly as the Freshman 15 goes on, it comes off, and my weight says pretty steady for the rest of college. I still can't get a date.
Fall 1999 - Spring 2001
The Damage: After working a landscape job and discovering the Adkins diet, I report to my new job in Wichita a good 25 lbs lighter than when I interviewed two months before. I also get to live with my sister for several months, whose husband is also on the Adkins diet. That comes to end when they move to Texas and I have to move into an apartment by myself. All hell breaks loose in the form of Pringles and Little Debbies.
The Turning Point: I actually had a semi-successful long-distance relationship. When that came to an end, I am talked into joining a gym by a couple I'm friends with under the guise of it being a "great place to meet people." I decide that since I am newly single, I should join and begin to overhaul my body so it is more attractive to the opposite sex.
The Outcome: The only relationship I form at the gym is with the elliptical machine. We fall in love. I also hook up with a colleague who worked as a personal trainer. His tips, plus the elliptical, plus the discovery of something called a Stair Stepper help me lose 40 lbs and, once again, I have to buy new jeans. I get some dates -- mostly with crazy women. I dress up, just for fun, to coach a girls' basketball game. One of my players' sister sees me in my tie. We're introduced, fall in love, and (eventually) get married. I no longer have to search for a date.
Spring 2005
The Damage: After having a child, I discover that yummy kids foods with the word "graham" in them are not healthy. It is also discovered that my wife and mother-in-law are awesome cooks. The jeans I bought in 2001 are beginning to get tight.
The Turning Point: I leave school in May pledging not to return in August unless I am at least 25 lbs lighter. I become a regular gym rat at the YMCA working out five days a week for an hour and a half.
The Outcome: My 25 pounds are gone by Aug. 1. By Sept. 1 I've lost five more lbs. After that, soccer season picks up and I find myself unable to go to the gym as often. I lose 10 more lbs. I chalk it up as stress from a miserable soccer season and kind of miserable school year. But I'm 40 lbs lighter and still losing. I go to buy new jeans, and I learn I can almost squeeze into a size two smaller than what I'd been wearing -- a size I haven't worn since 1989.
Further Outcome: I find out that some of my weight loss is the result of a kidney condition. They put me on medication and I gain 20 lbs back in the first month. It's been an uphill battle since then.
And that all leads me to where I am today -- fat, out of shape, and a poster child for what's wrong with America. Fortunately, I want to do something about it. I hope that a year from now, I'll be telling you stories of success. I just know that with three kids, I am ready for a lifestyle change. It's hard to look at them and think of not being able to fully participate in their lives. So I am going back to basics and doing the things I know help me lose weight. I'll also be posting my weight daily on Facebook. It's something called the Public Humiliation Diet. I think it will work, because I can't lie about it, and I won't let myself feel like a chump by showing steady gains. If this doesn't work, I am blaming Corey Gabbert.
Until next time, excelsior true believers!!!
Before any of you get any ideas about giving me hot tips to lose weight, I'll just let you know I've been down this road before. I have to eat less, eat healthier, and exercise. Period. Just so you know, I have a long history of losing weight (and putting it back on). What follows is some of the high and low lights of those endeavors. . .
Spring 1987
The Damage: I suffered through a soccer season in the fall where I was dubbed "The Roly-Poly Goalie" by my teammates, despite being the varsity starter for most of the season. I seriously look a little bit like a beachball with legs, or maybe a cube. Self-esteem is not high. Dates are not plentiful.
The Turning Point: My mom bets me a set of contact lenses that I can't lose 30 lbs in 30 days. I really, REALLY wanted to get rid of my glasses.
The Outcome: I don't lose 30 lbs in 30 days, but I do get 25 off. My mom extends the deadline 30 more days. With her packing my lunch and getting me up to exercise every morning, I end up losing 35 lbs. Still can't get a date. I do get contacts. I don't have them when the family takes a vacation to Florida as I'd hoped. However, once in Florida, the first order of business is to buy a half shirt that says "Life's A Beach" and wear it for most of the trip.
Added Bonus: Returning to school in August, a new student tells a longtime friend that she thinks I'm "hot." Looking back, it may have been the new body, it might have been the new contacts, or it might have been that my mullet was now down to my shoulders. I tend to believe it's all of the above.
Fall 1989
The Damage: I learn that boys are not immune to the dreaded "Freshman 15" when you go to college. I have packed on my 15 by Thanksgiving. I have to ask my parents to buy me new jeans.
The Turning Point: I get back to school and discover that some of the guys I've been hanging out with know something about lifting weights and stuff. I begin to lift weights and stuff. I start to play a lot of pick up basketball -- even though I suck at basketball. I also begin to actually attend that class I have to walk to the other side of campus to attend, and walk to Aggieville less frequently.
The Outcome: As quickly as the Freshman 15 goes on, it comes off, and my weight says pretty steady for the rest of college. I still can't get a date.
Fall 1999 - Spring 2001
The Damage: After working a landscape job and discovering the Adkins diet, I report to my new job in Wichita a good 25 lbs lighter than when I interviewed two months before. I also get to live with my sister for several months, whose husband is also on the Adkins diet. That comes to end when they move to Texas and I have to move into an apartment by myself. All hell breaks loose in the form of Pringles and Little Debbies.
The Turning Point: I actually had a semi-successful long-distance relationship. When that came to an end, I am talked into joining a gym by a couple I'm friends with under the guise of it being a "great place to meet people." I decide that since I am newly single, I should join and begin to overhaul my body so it is more attractive to the opposite sex.
The Outcome: The only relationship I form at the gym is with the elliptical machine. We fall in love. I also hook up with a colleague who worked as a personal trainer. His tips, plus the elliptical, plus the discovery of something called a Stair Stepper help me lose 40 lbs and, once again, I have to buy new jeans. I get some dates -- mostly with crazy women. I dress up, just for fun, to coach a girls' basketball game. One of my players' sister sees me in my tie. We're introduced, fall in love, and (eventually) get married. I no longer have to search for a date.
Spring 2005
The Damage: After having a child, I discover that yummy kids foods with the word "graham" in them are not healthy. It is also discovered that my wife and mother-in-law are awesome cooks. The jeans I bought in 2001 are beginning to get tight.
The Turning Point: I leave school in May pledging not to return in August unless I am at least 25 lbs lighter. I become a regular gym rat at the YMCA working out five days a week for an hour and a half.
The Outcome: My 25 pounds are gone by Aug. 1. By Sept. 1 I've lost five more lbs. After that, soccer season picks up and I find myself unable to go to the gym as often. I lose 10 more lbs. I chalk it up as stress from a miserable soccer season and kind of miserable school year. But I'm 40 lbs lighter and still losing. I go to buy new jeans, and I learn I can almost squeeze into a size two smaller than what I'd been wearing -- a size I haven't worn since 1989.
Further Outcome: I find out that some of my weight loss is the result of a kidney condition. They put me on medication and I gain 20 lbs back in the first month. It's been an uphill battle since then.
And that all leads me to where I am today -- fat, out of shape, and a poster child for what's wrong with America. Fortunately, I want to do something about it. I hope that a year from now, I'll be telling you stories of success. I just know that with three kids, I am ready for a lifestyle change. It's hard to look at them and think of not being able to fully participate in their lives. So I am going back to basics and doing the things I know help me lose weight. I'll also be posting my weight daily on Facebook. It's something called the Public Humiliation Diet. I think it will work, because I can't lie about it, and I won't let myself feel like a chump by showing steady gains. If this doesn't work, I am blaming Corey Gabbert.
Until next time, excelsior true believers!!!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Giving Thanks
I just realized that it's been over a month since I posted anything on my blog. Most of the time I get delayed writing because of time, or more often because I can't think of anything to write. With Thanksgiving approaching, I thought it might be a good time to make note of the things for which I give thanks. Most everyone who reads this blog knows me. Therefore, they already know that I am thankful for having a great family, an amazing and loving wife, three incredible (and cute) children, and my good friends. If you know me, then you also know I'm thankful to have a steady job that pays me well enough to keep a roof over our head, food on the table, and enough leftover to go out to eat occasionally. I'm even thankful for my health. While it could definitely be better, those who know me know it could be a heck of a lot worse. I don't take all that for granted. Those things are the things I give thanks for every single day of my life. Those are the obvious things. So what I'm going to do is let you in on some secrets. I'll let you know all the little things I'm thankful for because they just make my life a little better (listed in no particular order. . .)
Comics Books: Really? You're shocked to see this on my list? Yeah, I'm a nerd, but just like when I was 16, there's nothing quite as fun as picking up your pull list and rushing home to sit on the couch and read them all non-stop. I don't go every week like I did back then, so it's even more fun to get a whole big stack and read them after everyone else has gone to sleep.
E-Books: Why? Because my mom was able to get two of her novels that she has dedicated a significant amount of her life to published as e-books. That. Is. Awesome.
Top Chef: Just Desserts: I got hooked on Top Chef when my first daughter was born. I watched all of seasons 1 and 2 on consecutive days during my paternity leave. I was really into season 3. Not so much with season 4, and then my interest waned considerably. One of the problems with cooking shows is that everything looks real cool, but when you get down to it, I don't think I'd like to eat broiled cod shanks with a pancetta and kumquat chutney. But Just Desserts? I could get into that show. I would eat everything they put out on that show. Very quickly I'm also thankful that Morgan lost because he seemed like a real (something I can't write because my mother reads my blog).
WWE Wrestling: How can you NOT be thankful for something that leads to your kids climbing all over you, giggling, and repeatedly fake hitting you with a fake steel chair suspiciously shaped like a pillow? I'm also thankful that I always win. It also teaches me patience, because more often than not someone accidentally steps on my privates.
Breakfast Dinner (aka Brinner): If you don't know what I'm talking about or why I'd be thankful for breakfast dinner, get off my blog. Really. Close the window and just go back to your friend Tom on MySpace. Brinner is awesome.
DVD Players in Cars: It's the best way to drive to Texas for Thanksgiving. Already planning on having Toy Story 3, How To Train Your Dragon, and Up completely memorized by the time I get home. Here's hoping the boy can somehow sneak The Simpsons Movie into the stack of DVDs for the trip.
TJ's Burgerhouse: Speaking of awesome food. . . best burgers in Wichita, hands down. And it's affordable so I can take the family.
The Colorblind Art Teacher and The Man With the Screaming Brain Blog: Any time I am having a bad day (especially at work), I can go to either site and guarantee myself a laugh. Thanks guys!
The Avengers Movie: Oh man, I think that's going to be pretty BA.
Macaroni and Cheese and Hot Dogs: Because kids never say "no" to macaroni and cheese and hot dogs. They also never say no to brinner. What? You didn't know that kids love brinner? I thought I told you to get off my blog!!!
Nick Jr. and XBox360: Sometimes every parent just needs a little break. Thank you Madden 11 and Wow Wow Wubbzy. And you, too, Ni Hao Kai Lan. But not you, Yo Gabba Gabba, you kind of freak me out.
So that's my list of secondary things that I am thankful for. Hope you enjoyed it, because I enjoyed writing it. I should also mention that I'm thankful for the three people who follow my blog (Terry, Hugo, and my mom). Have a happy Thanksgiving, and until next time -- excelsior, true believers!!!
Comics Books: Really? You're shocked to see this on my list? Yeah, I'm a nerd, but just like when I was 16, there's nothing quite as fun as picking up your pull list and rushing home to sit on the couch and read them all non-stop. I don't go every week like I did back then, so it's even more fun to get a whole big stack and read them after everyone else has gone to sleep.
E-Books: Why? Because my mom was able to get two of her novels that she has dedicated a significant amount of her life to published as e-books. That. Is. Awesome.
Top Chef: Just Desserts: I got hooked on Top Chef when my first daughter was born. I watched all of seasons 1 and 2 on consecutive days during my paternity leave. I was really into season 3. Not so much with season 4, and then my interest waned considerably. One of the problems with cooking shows is that everything looks real cool, but when you get down to it, I don't think I'd like to eat broiled cod shanks with a pancetta and kumquat chutney. But Just Desserts? I could get into that show. I would eat everything they put out on that show. Very quickly I'm also thankful that Morgan lost because he seemed like a real (something I can't write because my mother reads my blog).
WWE Wrestling: How can you NOT be thankful for something that leads to your kids climbing all over you, giggling, and repeatedly fake hitting you with a fake steel chair suspiciously shaped like a pillow? I'm also thankful that I always win. It also teaches me patience, because more often than not someone accidentally steps on my privates.
Breakfast Dinner (aka Brinner): If you don't know what I'm talking about or why I'd be thankful for breakfast dinner, get off my blog. Really. Close the window and just go back to your friend Tom on MySpace. Brinner is awesome.
DVD Players in Cars: It's the best way to drive to Texas for Thanksgiving. Already planning on having Toy Story 3, How To Train Your Dragon, and Up completely memorized by the time I get home. Here's hoping the boy can somehow sneak The Simpsons Movie into the stack of DVDs for the trip.
TJ's Burgerhouse: Speaking of awesome food. . . best burgers in Wichita, hands down. And it's affordable so I can take the family.
The Colorblind Art Teacher and The Man With the Screaming Brain Blog: Any time I am having a bad day (especially at work), I can go to either site and guarantee myself a laugh. Thanks guys!
The Avengers Movie: Oh man, I think that's going to be pretty BA.
Macaroni and Cheese and Hot Dogs: Because kids never say "no" to macaroni and cheese and hot dogs. They also never say no to brinner. What? You didn't know that kids love brinner? I thought I told you to get off my blog!!!
Nick Jr. and XBox360: Sometimes every parent just needs a little break. Thank you Madden 11 and Wow Wow Wubbzy. And you, too, Ni Hao Kai Lan. But not you, Yo Gabba Gabba, you kind of freak me out.
So that's my list of secondary things that I am thankful for. Hope you enjoyed it, because I enjoyed writing it. I should also mention that I'm thankful for the three people who follow my blog (Terry, Hugo, and my mom). Have a happy Thanksgiving, and until next time -- excelsior, true believers!!!
Monday, October 11, 2010
Make Room for . . . That Next Guy
In a previous post, I chronicled the rise and fall of our roommate Binky and the outstanding abode of 1215 Bertrand #4. With Binky's early departure, Chris, Roommate Tad, and I were left with an empty room we needed to fill ASAP so that we wouldn't have to spend roughly an extra $57 apiece in rent for the next month. So we did what any logical college kids would do. We put an advertisement in the Daily Collegian.
Roommate Tad, who had gone back to the apartment early after Christmas Break to work at Dillon's (where we all worked) was in charge of Operation: Find Someone To Live in The 4th Bedroom. It wasn't long before Tad called us back in the Greater KC Area to let us know that we had a potential roommate. He was an engineering student, he had just finished his enlistment in the US Army, and he "seemed pretty cool." We reminded Roommate Tad that he had also told us that Binky "seemed pretty cool" as well. Fortunately, Roommate Tad's instincts were on this time. Our new roommate, who we'll call Keflin (because that's his name) was indeed pretty cool.
We immediately discovered a couple of the things we liked about Keflin, that also separated him from his predecessor. He had steady income as a reservist in the US Army and for being on the GI Bill. He had a VCR that he was willing to share. He had a subscription to Playboy which he was also willing to share. (Author's note: These three things are listed in the order of importance as they appear to a 39-year-old, but not necessarily the order of importance as they appeared to a 20-year-old)
One of the things we learned about Keflin was that he had served in Iraq and Kuwait during Operation: Desert Storm. He had stories about his time there, some of them funny, some of them scary, some of them kind of gory, all of them interesting to a bunch of white bread kids from the suburbs. We also quickly discovered that having been in the army for four years, he had no idea to live on his own. He knew nothing about basic survival skills.
I'll give you some examples of how we learned this about our new roommate. First, we found an open bottle of Ranch Dressing in the cabinet. We explained to Keflin that if something said "Refrigerate After Opening" that you actually had to refrigerate it after you opened it. The second example involves a small propane grill we had. Keflin discovered he could operate it, and grill things. He immediately went out and bought a six-pack of KC strip steaks. He opened the package,took out one and grilled it. Then he left the open package in the fridge for a couple days. We told Keflin that when you bought meat you had to eat it, or freeze it. SO the next day we found the open package of five steaks in the freezer. So, being good roommates, we told Keflin that you had to wrap stuff up, or it would get freezer burn and taste funny. Keflin then went ahead and thawed out all five remaining steaks, grilled one, said it tasted OK, wrapped up the four remaining thawed steaks and put them in the freezer. Roommate Tad, Chris and I started planning a new roommate ad for when Keflin would inevitably be hospitalized for eating the steaks, but it never happened.
It became clear pretty fast that Keflin was a decent guy and a pretty good addition. At the very least he attended class regularly, he paid his bills on time and he was happy to buy and share beer on a regular basis. I got to know Keflin pretty good, because during the summer we were the only two living in the apartment. He was an OK guy. Here are some of the highlights I remember from the Keflin era at 1215 Bertrand #4.
Roommate Tad, who had gone back to the apartment early after Christmas Break to work at Dillon's (where we all worked) was in charge of Operation: Find Someone To Live in The 4th Bedroom. It wasn't long before Tad called us back in the Greater KC Area to let us know that we had a potential roommate. He was an engineering student, he had just finished his enlistment in the US Army, and he "seemed pretty cool." We reminded Roommate Tad that he had also told us that Binky "seemed pretty cool" as well. Fortunately, Roommate Tad's instincts were on this time. Our new roommate, who we'll call Keflin (because that's his name) was indeed pretty cool.
We immediately discovered a couple of the things we liked about Keflin, that also separated him from his predecessor. He had steady income as a reservist in the US Army and for being on the GI Bill. He had a VCR that he was willing to share. He had a subscription to Playboy which he was also willing to share. (Author's note: These three things are listed in the order of importance as they appear to a 39-year-old, but not necessarily the order of importance as they appeared to a 20-year-old)
One of the things we learned about Keflin was that he had served in Iraq and Kuwait during Operation: Desert Storm. He had stories about his time there, some of them funny, some of them scary, some of them kind of gory, all of them interesting to a bunch of white bread kids from the suburbs. We also quickly discovered that having been in the army for four years, he had no idea to live on his own. He knew nothing about basic survival skills.
I'll give you some examples of how we learned this about our new roommate. First, we found an open bottle of Ranch Dressing in the cabinet. We explained to Keflin that if something said "Refrigerate After Opening" that you actually had to refrigerate it after you opened it. The second example involves a small propane grill we had. Keflin discovered he could operate it, and grill things. He immediately went out and bought a six-pack of KC strip steaks. He opened the package,took out one and grilled it. Then he left the open package in the fridge for a couple days. We told Keflin that when you bought meat you had to eat it, or freeze it. SO the next day we found the open package of five steaks in the freezer. So, being good roommates, we told Keflin that you had to wrap stuff up, or it would get freezer burn and taste funny. Keflin then went ahead and thawed out all five remaining steaks, grilled one, said it tasted OK, wrapped up the four remaining thawed steaks and put them in the freezer. Roommate Tad, Chris and I started planning a new roommate ad for when Keflin would inevitably be hospitalized for eating the steaks, but it never happened.
It became clear pretty fast that Keflin was a decent guy and a pretty good addition. At the very least he attended class regularly, he paid his bills on time and he was happy to buy and share beer on a regular basis. I got to know Keflin pretty good, because during the summer we were the only two living in the apartment. He was an OK guy. Here are some of the highlights I remember from the Keflin era at 1215 Bertrand #4.
- We once had a Halloween party at the apartment. Keflin came dressed in his battle camouflage uniform and a gas mask. I asked him, "How did you get a gas mask off a military base?" He replied that he hadn't, but that he'd taken it off a dead Iraqi soldier. Roommate Tad looked at him and said, "So you're saying that you got that off a dead person's face, and now you're wearing it on YOUR face?" Keflin promptly took off the gas mask.
- He and I went to Last Chance one night during the summer and he told me he wasn't planning on drinking. We got separated shortly after we got there, and when I found him he had a 32 oz Big Beer in each hand. "I thought you weren't going to drink," I said. He replied, "You have to have more than a $5 order to start a credit card tab. You want a big beer?" I said "sure" and Keflin promptly flagged down a waitress and ordered two big beers for me.
- Keflin was Filipino, and rice had always been a staple part of his diet. As stated previously, he had limited kitchen skills, so he bought an electric rice maker. When he messed up using that, too, he found a Filipino lady in Manhattan and gave her something like $50 a week to cook Filipino meals for him. He was a lot happier after that.
- Keflin had a Thai girlfriend named Pang. Pang's best friend was also Thai, and she was named Ping. No, I am not making this up.
- The summer it was just Keflin and I in the house, I once got a phone bill (which was under my name) for $400+. I went to Keflin and asked him why the phone bill was so high. Part of the reason was that he had made a bunch of calls to Pang . . . who was in Thailand for the summer. The rest of it was due to a call he made to a (adult chat) number. "Why did you call that?" I asked him. "I was bored and I saw an ad on TV. It was pretty stupid." was his reply. "Then why did you stay on the line for [looking at bill] 18 minutes?" I asked. "I thought it might get better."
All in all, Keflin wasn't a bad guy. Years later I would become friends with a guy named Mason. During casual conversation, Mason mentioned an old college roommate named Keflin. Sure enough, it was the same one. And most of Mason's stories were like my own. But things were fine with Keflin, and 1215 Bertrand #4 was a happy place again. And then Chris decided to get married. . .
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
What the Hail?
I have lived in Kansas for nearly all my life. The weather of this fine state is bewildering at best, and terrifying at its worst. Tonight, I had my first run-in with a super-sized Kansas hail storm. And I didn't like it.
Last spring, we had a hail storm come through Wichita and hit downtown causing astronomical damage. That may sound like an exaggeration, but it isn't. Baseball to softball-sized hail rained down for several minutes. It actually hit the minor league ballpark. While the team was playing. With spectators in the stands. Luckily, no one was hurt, but there was damage done to cars and buildings, etc. At the time, my wife and I joked saying, "Too bad we couldn't have run down there to the hail hit one of the cars. Maybe we'd be able to total it out and get a new one." Funny stuff at the time. . . .at the time.
Tonight, I'm singing a different tune. I actually witnessed, in person, softball-sized hail. If you don't believe me, I have a couple in the freezer. What is most disturbing, is the amount of damage it caused. I had the pleasure (really?) of watching a storm rain down hail no smaller than a tennis ball for a full 15 minutes. It was insane.
I was feeding Allie and watching TV when I heard the hail start. I got up and looked out the window and saw some maybe golf ball-sized hail. I figured this might get a little interesting. I went and moved some things in the garage and opened the door so my wife could drive right in and avoid the hail. Then I went back to feeding Allie. A short time later, I heard a sound like someone had dropped a brick on my roof. Then another. Then another. I finally set Allie down in her Boppy and got up to go look out the door. I saw big hail. Then I heard glass breaking and realized that one of the windows in the back of the house had broken. I went to check it out. I got brave enough to stick my head out just a little, just enough so it was still under the eaves of the house. Then I heard another window break and decided it was time to take the girls to the basement. Then I noticed that the windshield of our Kia Optima appeared to have hail splattered on it. I was wrong, the windshield was broken. And as I watched, i saw it get broken again. At this point, it was way too late to go pull it into the garage.
As I watched all this unfold, it dawned on me that my wife and son still weren't back. I tried to call, but I couldn't get dialed out. I got a little frantic, because the last thing you'd want is your loved ones driving in hail that can break a windshield. The super hail continued to thump on the roof. I heard the tornado sirens go off, so I joined my girls downstairs. I tried to get my wife on the phone again and got through to her. She was at her mom's house. She was not more than 5 miles away from me and she was getting none of the storm we were facing. She got some hail, but nothing like what I was facing, or for as long a period of time. That is really the epitome of crazy Kansas weather.
Once things started to subside, my wife came home and we began to check out the aftermath. All said and done, the damage was pretty --well-- damaging. The roof had holes punched in it. The car. The windows. Multiple leaks inside. And my favorite...a hailstone broke through a solid 2x6 deck board. Just crashed right through it like it was nothing. It's was indeed the craziest weather I've ever seen. And I can tell you in all honesty, I don't want to go through that again.
Last spring, we had a hail storm come through Wichita and hit downtown causing astronomical damage. That may sound like an exaggeration, but it isn't. Baseball to softball-sized hail rained down for several minutes. It actually hit the minor league ballpark. While the team was playing. With spectators in the stands. Luckily, no one was hurt, but there was damage done to cars and buildings, etc. At the time, my wife and I joked saying, "Too bad we couldn't have run down there to the hail hit one of the cars. Maybe we'd be able to total it out and get a new one." Funny stuff at the time. . . .at the time.
Tonight, I'm singing a different tune. I actually witnessed, in person, softball-sized hail. If you don't believe me, I have a couple in the freezer. What is most disturbing, is the amount of damage it caused. I had the pleasure (really?) of watching a storm rain down hail no smaller than a tennis ball for a full 15 minutes. It was insane.
I was feeding Allie and watching TV when I heard the hail start. I got up and looked out the window and saw some maybe golf ball-sized hail. I figured this might get a little interesting. I went and moved some things in the garage and opened the door so my wife could drive right in and avoid the hail. Then I went back to feeding Allie. A short time later, I heard a sound like someone had dropped a brick on my roof. Then another. Then another. I finally set Allie down in her Boppy and got up to go look out the door. I saw big hail. Then I heard glass breaking and realized that one of the windows in the back of the house had broken. I went to check it out. I got brave enough to stick my head out just a little, just enough so it was still under the eaves of the house. Then I heard another window break and decided it was time to take the girls to the basement. Then I noticed that the windshield of our Kia Optima appeared to have hail splattered on it. I was wrong, the windshield was broken. And as I watched, i saw it get broken again. At this point, it was way too late to go pull it into the garage.
As I watched all this unfold, it dawned on me that my wife and son still weren't back. I tried to call, but I couldn't get dialed out. I got a little frantic, because the last thing you'd want is your loved ones driving in hail that can break a windshield. The super hail continued to thump on the roof. I heard the tornado sirens go off, so I joined my girls downstairs. I tried to get my wife on the phone again and got through to her. She was at her mom's house. She was not more than 5 miles away from me and she was getting none of the storm we were facing. She got some hail, but nothing like what I was facing, or for as long a period of time. That is really the epitome of crazy Kansas weather.
Once things started to subside, my wife came home and we began to check out the aftermath. All said and done, the damage was pretty --well-- damaging. The roof had holes punched in it. The car. The windows. Multiple leaks inside. And my favorite...a hailstone broke through a solid 2x6 deck board. Just crashed right through it like it was nothing. It's was indeed the craziest weather I've ever seen. And I can tell you in all honesty, I don't want to go through that again.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
BACK AT LAST. . .
The triumphant return of One Minute Movie Reviews. . .because I just HAVE to let you know what I thought of The Back Up Plan. I've been slacking on the one-minute movie reviews big time, like really big time. I've watched a lot of movies since I last posted One-Minute Movie reviews. What I've done is take some of the more memorable (or not-so-memorable) and current movies from that span and write the one-minute review of them. So here we go . . . in no particular order.
Clash of the Titans
CGI COTT, you are not as cool as the seminal Ray Harryhausen version from 1981. Maybe it's because I was a kid when it came out and watched it over and over. Maybe it's because in the 1981 version you got to see Andromeda's boobs. In any case, it deviated greatly from the classic Greek myth of Perseus. That bugged me. The CGI effects were cool, but so are all CGI effects, so in my eyes they don't compare to Harryhausen's Greatest Hits (original COTT, Jason and the Argonauts, Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger <-- SPOILER ALERT: Sinbad kicks Apollo Creed's ass). I did like Medusa a lot, so I give COTT props for that. And I like Liam Neeson in everything. I thought Ralph Fiennes was a little over the top as Hades/Voldemort 2. All-in-all, a very average action flick.
Step Brothers
Yeah, I know this isn't new, but I've watched it like a dozen times on Encore the past couple months. One night I got up around 2:00 AM to feed Allie, found it on, and watched nearly the entire thing. I've enjoyed watching it so much that I've named my fantasy football ball team this year Prestige Worldwide. Actually, I just named it that because The Most Interesting Team in the World and Are You Smarter Than Antonio Cromartie? were too long.
Kick-Ass
Hmmm...Not so much. The problem I had with Kick-Ass is that everyone assumed I would be all geeked up about it and get all gaga about how awesome it is. The truth is I bought the comics and didn't really like them. The movie was OK, but pretty plain. That being said, Hit Girl lived up to the title. I also liked McLovin as a bad guy. The other stuff was a little cheesy, especially the ending. I liked parts of it, but overall I wasn't that crazy about it. Watching a kid get beat up all the time isn't that entertaining to me.
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
This movie was kind of the opposite of Kick-Ass for me. I hadn't read the comics before I saw the movie. I knew OF them, and the basic premise of the plot, but I hadn't purchased and read them. I liked this movie a lot. My wife and son voted it, "Stupidest Looking Movie of the Summer" but I didn't let that stop me. It's very funny at times, and there's a little bit of Scott Pilgrim in all of us. . . I think. But the best part is that, like its titular character, I didn't have much in the way of expectations for this movie. It pleasantly surprised me by living up to those expectations. I'll own this on DVD when it comes out. And the critics who say it's a summer flop can bite me.
Date Night
I didn't get to see this in the theaters, and then it was in my Netflix queue for like four months before it got released on DVD. After seeing it, all I can say is, "When will Tina Fey make a truly great movie." I liked it, but I didn't love it. I thought Steve Carell and Tina Fey were good, but not great. Steve Carell has been in some great movies, but Tina Fey hasn't seemed to be able to find the right vehicle. There were parts where I laughed hysterically, but most of it I just found myself chuckling at. I did enjoy Marky Mark Wahlberg. I was told by a friend who saw it in the theater that it was, "just as funny as the Hangover." It wasn't. And it was only like 80 minutes long. WTH?
Get Him To The Greek
Now this movie actually was as funny as the Hangover. Russell Brand recreates his character of British rocker Aldous Snow, first introduced in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. This time, He gets to take the hard partying Aldous over the top into Outrageous-land. I also like Jonah Hill, who went against type as his usual awkward nerdy fat teen character. I was also pleasantly surprised that amongst the horrifying antics and immoral behavior of the characters, they slip ins some very touching scenes to give the characters just a little hint at redemption. If I have one complaint about the movie, it's P. Diddy. This was supposed to be his Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder moment, but it isn't. If anything, he tries too hard to be Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder, so it doesn't hit it big. The added bonus is that Aldous is shown performing several times, and while the songs are supposed to be stupid and inane, they're actually funny and catchy.
The Wolfman
Here's a movie that sat int he ol' Netflix queue forever, and then suddenly appeared in our mail. The first thing that I thought while watching it was, "Benicio del Toro, where have you been lately?" The second thought I had was that while this movie was in the theaters, I never read a good review of it. But I never really read a bad review of it either. I was pleasantly surprised by it. Even though i figured out the "surprise twist" about 1/3 of the way into the movie, I still found it enjoyable. I liked how they made the Wolfman like the classic Lon Chaney version, not some present-day shirtless teen version (it's OK Team Jacob, I'm still on your side!). I think that over time, this will be one of those movies we end up saying, "That's a decent movie, I wonder why it didn't get much buzz."
The Back-Up Plan
I love my wife. I love my wife so much that I watched this entire movie with her. She waited weeks to finally get it at the video store and was so excited to watch it. And then she actually had to watch it. I will say this about The Back-Up Plan: I would rather watch Hannah Montana: The Movie, than sit through this piece of drivel again. About halfway through all the schlocky, cliche "I'm pregnant" jokes and stereotypes, I looked over at my wife and said, "This is pretty stupid." To which she replied, "Yeah it is." LAMENESS ALERT! (this is the opposite of a spoiler alert and is intended to prevent you from seeing this movie) Jennifer Lopez's character owns a pet store that she bought because she bought her dog from a pet store that sold puppy mill dogs and now her little dog is confined to a doggy wheelchair. Yeah, I am not making this up. And since I am going off on this anyway, her love interest owns an organic goat cheese farm/company and aspires to open his own shop in which he will only sell products produced locally within a 3o mile radius of his place in NYC, even though he can't pass macro-economics at night school. I am going to end there, because any further discussion of this movie will cause me to use language that my mother (one of the five readers of this blog -- we've grown! Thanks, Chris) does not appreciate. Suffice it to say that I would rather watch The Bounty Hunter again, rather than this movie.
Clash of the Titans
CGI COTT, you are not as cool as the seminal Ray Harryhausen version from 1981. Maybe it's because I was a kid when it came out and watched it over and over. Maybe it's because in the 1981 version you got to see Andromeda's boobs. In any case, it deviated greatly from the classic Greek myth of Perseus. That bugged me. The CGI effects were cool, but so are all CGI effects, so in my eyes they don't compare to Harryhausen's Greatest Hits (original COTT, Jason and the Argonauts, Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger <-- SPOILER ALERT: Sinbad kicks Apollo Creed's ass). I did like Medusa a lot, so I give COTT props for that. And I like Liam Neeson in everything. I thought Ralph Fiennes was a little over the top as Hades/Voldemort 2. All-in-all, a very average action flick.
Step Brothers
Yeah, I know this isn't new, but I've watched it like a dozen times on Encore the past couple months. One night I got up around 2:00 AM to feed Allie, found it on, and watched nearly the entire thing. I've enjoyed watching it so much that I've named my fantasy football ball team this year Prestige Worldwide. Actually, I just named it that because The Most Interesting Team in the World and Are You Smarter Than Antonio Cromartie? were too long.
Kick-Ass
Hmmm...Not so much. The problem I had with Kick-Ass is that everyone assumed I would be all geeked up about it and get all gaga about how awesome it is. The truth is I bought the comics and didn't really like them. The movie was OK, but pretty plain. That being said, Hit Girl lived up to the title. I also liked McLovin as a bad guy. The other stuff was a little cheesy, especially the ending. I liked parts of it, but overall I wasn't that crazy about it. Watching a kid get beat up all the time isn't that entertaining to me.
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
This movie was kind of the opposite of Kick-Ass for me. I hadn't read the comics before I saw the movie. I knew OF them, and the basic premise of the plot, but I hadn't purchased and read them. I liked this movie a lot. My wife and son voted it, "Stupidest Looking Movie of the Summer" but I didn't let that stop me. It's very funny at times, and there's a little bit of Scott Pilgrim in all of us. . . I think. But the best part is that, like its titular character, I didn't have much in the way of expectations for this movie. It pleasantly surprised me by living up to those expectations. I'll own this on DVD when it comes out. And the critics who say it's a summer flop can bite me.
Date Night
I didn't get to see this in the theaters, and then it was in my Netflix queue for like four months before it got released on DVD. After seeing it, all I can say is, "When will Tina Fey make a truly great movie." I liked it, but I didn't love it. I thought Steve Carell and Tina Fey were good, but not great. Steve Carell has been in some great movies, but Tina Fey hasn't seemed to be able to find the right vehicle. There were parts where I laughed hysterically, but most of it I just found myself chuckling at. I did enjoy Marky Mark Wahlberg. I was told by a friend who saw it in the theater that it was, "just as funny as the Hangover." It wasn't. And it was only like 80 minutes long. WTH?
Get Him To The Greek
Now this movie actually was as funny as the Hangover. Russell Brand recreates his character of British rocker Aldous Snow, first introduced in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. This time, He gets to take the hard partying Aldous over the top into Outrageous-land. I also like Jonah Hill, who went against type as his usual awkward nerdy fat teen character. I was also pleasantly surprised that amongst the horrifying antics and immoral behavior of the characters, they slip ins some very touching scenes to give the characters just a little hint at redemption. If I have one complaint about the movie, it's P. Diddy. This was supposed to be his Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder moment, but it isn't. If anything, he tries too hard to be Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder, so it doesn't hit it big. The added bonus is that Aldous is shown performing several times, and while the songs are supposed to be stupid and inane, they're actually funny and catchy.
The Wolfman
Here's a movie that sat int he ol' Netflix queue forever, and then suddenly appeared in our mail. The first thing that I thought while watching it was, "Benicio del Toro, where have you been lately?" The second thought I had was that while this movie was in the theaters, I never read a good review of it. But I never really read a bad review of it either. I was pleasantly surprised by it. Even though i figured out the "surprise twist" about 1/3 of the way into the movie, I still found it enjoyable. I liked how they made the Wolfman like the classic Lon Chaney version, not some present-day shirtless teen version (it's OK Team Jacob, I'm still on your side!). I think that over time, this will be one of those movies we end up saying, "That's a decent movie, I wonder why it didn't get much buzz."
The Back-Up Plan
I love my wife. I love my wife so much that I watched this entire movie with her. She waited weeks to finally get it at the video store and was so excited to watch it. And then she actually had to watch it. I will say this about The Back-Up Plan: I would rather watch Hannah Montana: The Movie, than sit through this piece of drivel again. About halfway through all the schlocky, cliche "I'm pregnant" jokes and stereotypes, I looked over at my wife and said, "This is pretty stupid." To which she replied, "Yeah it is." LAMENESS ALERT! (this is the opposite of a spoiler alert and is intended to prevent you from seeing this movie) Jennifer Lopez's character owns a pet store that she bought because she bought her dog from a pet store that sold puppy mill dogs and now her little dog is confined to a doggy wheelchair. Yeah, I am not making this up. And since I am going off on this anyway, her love interest owns an organic goat cheese farm/company and aspires to open his own shop in which he will only sell products produced locally within a 3o mile radius of his place in NYC, even though he can't pass macro-economics at night school. I am going to end there, because any further discussion of this movie will cause me to use language that my mother (one of the five readers of this blog -- we've grown! Thanks, Chris) does not appreciate. Suffice it to say that I would rather watch The Bounty Hunter again, rather than this movie.
Do You Believe in Magic?
Well, I'm back. Finally. After spending a ridiculous amount of time watching the 2010 World Cup and having a new baby and starting back to work with new and more duties, I've finally worked it into my schedule to start writing again. Even though I haven't been writing, I have been reading my friend Terry's blog in which he's detailed his time living with The Teel (who just happens to have his own kick-ass blog/web comic thingy). It's good, and when I felt the need to make a smart Alec comment on his blog, he told me I needed to start writing again. That coupled with a follow up comment by former roommate/Used Paint member, Chris, made me realize I needed to sit down and write something.
You see, the problem with writing a blog is that you have to have something to write about. I refuse to blog about my job, and since it takes up about 85% of my life right now, it leaves me short on things. I've written about my roommates a couple times already, but believe me, there's more to come on that topic. But, then a revelation came. . . in the form of my local comic book store. I went in yesterday, and found my inspiration...Magic Mondays!
I love comic books. I love my local comic book store. I love going to said comic book store to by said comics. As stated previously in a blog, I despise card games. What I learned yesterday is that Monday is Magic Monday, where the Magic: The Gathering people come to play cards. Until like midnight. I kid you not. And, if you didn't know, the comic store closes at 8:00 PM.
If I had my way, I'd march into the comic book store and declare loudly (and proudly), "You have comics, and you have cards, and never the twain shall meet." I don't know if that really makes sense, but how many times do you get the chance to work the phrase "never the twain shall meet" into a conversation? Especially if that conversation in no way relates to Mark Twain. You see, I want a comic book store that reminds me of Central Perk on "Friends," complete with a set of leather couches and Jennifer Aniston. People could flock from all over the west part of Wichita to sit around and talk about comic nerd stuff. You can't do that if you have a bunch of card geeks sitting there scaring normal customers off -- or at least making them feel uncomfortable.
But I digress. ("Never the twain" + "But I digress" = awesome blog thingy!). I despise card nerds for one very simple reason. I used to teach high school. When Magic first came out, it was kind of an underground phenomenon that only the best nerds knew of and played. I was introduced to it by a friend of mine, who we shall call Andy, because that's his name, and he taught me how to play. I had a killer green deck then, and I crushed many adversaries. Then I got a job at a suburban high school and learned that this Magic thing was spinning out of control. Kids played it before school, during lunch, after school, on band trips (presumably). They fiddled with their cards during class. They talked about nothing but Magic all the time. Kids began to use teachers, asking them if they could stay and get help in order to get a pass for the late bus. Then they'd ask for help on one question and run off to play Magic with their friend(s) who had also duped a teacher. They didn't stay to play cards at the school because they had nowhere else to go, they stayed and played cards at school because they'd wasted all their money on cards instead of saving up to by a crappy car like the rest of the teenage world!!!
I did get to put one over on the card players, thanks to one unfortunate student in a 10th grade English class. The following excerpt is 100% rue -- hand to God.
It came to pass that Mr. Clamons found a Magic card in the hallway. It was Tree Elves to be specific. What fascinated me about this card is that it stated very clearly that the holder of this card could only be harmed by creatures with flying. So the card was tucked away for safe keeping until 5th hour class when I had a particularly loud, obnoxious, disruptive force that happened to be one of the biggest Magic purveyors in the school.
As he began to talk, and interrupt, and disrupt, I pulled forth my Tree Elves card and held it out to him. he looked at it and asked, "What's that?"
"It's Tree Elves," I said matter-of-factly, "And I'm using it to make you be quiet."
"What? I have a 100 cards more powerful that that one!" my adversary boasted.
"Maybe so," I retorted, "but I'm not playing it against your deck, I'm playing it against you."
"What?"
"I'm playing my card against you. It clearly states that he holder of this card can only be harmed by creatures with flying. Do you have flying?"
"But...but..." the boy spluttered
"Do you have flying? No? Well then I win, and you have to be quiet for the rest of the hour. And I'm going to keep this card here at the podium for all following days."
He was quiet for the rest of the class period. And much better behaved for the rest of the semester.
Seeing the Magic Mondays crew yesterday reminded me of those carefree days. It also reminded me that Monday should join Sunday on the list of Days I Shall Never Go to the Comic Store. At least I could sleep well last night knowing that none of the players was recording his/her duel to upload to Facebook (see previous blog post). . . and that I still have my killer green deck. And it would destroy everyone in the comic store. Including Wil Wheaton.
You see, the problem with writing a blog is that you have to have something to write about. I refuse to blog about my job, and since it takes up about 85% of my life right now, it leaves me short on things. I've written about my roommates a couple times already, but believe me, there's more to come on that topic. But, then a revelation came. . . in the form of my local comic book store. I went in yesterday, and found my inspiration...Magic Mondays!
I love comic books. I love my local comic book store. I love going to said comic book store to by said comics. As stated previously in a blog, I despise card games. What I learned yesterday is that Monday is Magic Monday, where the Magic: The Gathering people come to play cards. Until like midnight. I kid you not. And, if you didn't know, the comic store closes at 8:00 PM.
If I had my way, I'd march into the comic book store and declare loudly (and proudly), "You have comics, and you have cards, and never the twain shall meet." I don't know if that really makes sense, but how many times do you get the chance to work the phrase "never the twain shall meet" into a conversation? Especially if that conversation in no way relates to Mark Twain. You see, I want a comic book store that reminds me of Central Perk on "Friends," complete with a set of leather couches and Jennifer Aniston. People could flock from all over the west part of Wichita to sit around and talk about comic nerd stuff. You can't do that if you have a bunch of card geeks sitting there scaring normal customers off -- or at least making them feel uncomfortable.
But I digress. ("Never the twain" + "But I digress" = awesome blog thingy!). I despise card nerds for one very simple reason. I used to teach high school. When Magic first came out, it was kind of an underground phenomenon that only the best nerds knew of and played. I was introduced to it by a friend of mine, who we shall call Andy, because that's his name, and he taught me how to play. I had a killer green deck then, and I crushed many adversaries. Then I got a job at a suburban high school and learned that this Magic thing was spinning out of control. Kids played it before school, during lunch, after school, on band trips (presumably). They fiddled with their cards during class. They talked about nothing but Magic all the time. Kids began to use teachers, asking them if they could stay and get help in order to get a pass for the late bus. Then they'd ask for help on one question and run off to play Magic with their friend(s) who had also duped a teacher. They didn't stay to play cards at the school because they had nowhere else to go, they stayed and played cards at school because they'd wasted all their money on cards instead of saving up to by a crappy car like the rest of the teenage world!!!
I did get to put one over on the card players, thanks to one unfortunate student in a 10th grade English class. The following excerpt is 100% rue -- hand to God.
It came to pass that Mr. Clamons found a Magic card in the hallway. It was Tree Elves to be specific. What fascinated me about this card is that it stated very clearly that the holder of this card could only be harmed by creatures with flying. So the card was tucked away for safe keeping until 5th hour class when I had a particularly loud, obnoxious, disruptive force that happened to be one of the biggest Magic purveyors in the school.
As he began to talk, and interrupt, and disrupt, I pulled forth my Tree Elves card and held it out to him. he looked at it and asked, "What's that?"
"It's Tree Elves," I said matter-of-factly, "And I'm using it to make you be quiet."
"What? I have a 100 cards more powerful that that one!" my adversary boasted.
"Maybe so," I retorted, "but I'm not playing it against your deck, I'm playing it against you."
"What?"
"I'm playing my card against you. It clearly states that he holder of this card can only be harmed by creatures with flying. Do you have flying?"
"But...but..." the boy spluttered
"Do you have flying? No? Well then I win, and you have to be quiet for the rest of the hour. And I'm going to keep this card here at the podium for all following days."
He was quiet for the rest of the class period. And much better behaved for the rest of the semester.
Seeing the Magic Mondays crew yesterday reminded me of those carefree days. It also reminded me that Monday should join Sunday on the list of Days I Shall Never Go to the Comic Store. At least I could sleep well last night knowing that none of the players was recording his/her duel to upload to Facebook (see previous blog post). . . and that I still have my killer green deck. And it would destroy everyone in the comic store. Including Wil Wheaton.
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