I have lived in Kansas for nearly all my life. The weather of this fine state is bewildering at best, and terrifying at its worst. Tonight, I had my first run-in with a super-sized Kansas hail storm. And I didn't like it.
Last spring, we had a hail storm come through Wichita and hit downtown causing astronomical damage. That may sound like an exaggeration, but it isn't. Baseball to softball-sized hail rained down for several minutes. It actually hit the minor league ballpark. While the team was playing. With spectators in the stands. Luckily, no one was hurt, but there was damage done to cars and buildings, etc. At the time, my wife and I joked saying, "Too bad we couldn't have run down there to the hail hit one of the cars. Maybe we'd be able to total it out and get a new one." Funny stuff at the time. . . .at the time.
Tonight, I'm singing a different tune. I actually witnessed, in person, softball-sized hail. If you don't believe me, I have a couple in the freezer. What is most disturbing, is the amount of damage it caused. I had the pleasure (really?) of watching a storm rain down hail no smaller than a tennis ball for a full 15 minutes. It was insane.
I was feeding Allie and watching TV when I heard the hail start. I got up and looked out the window and saw some maybe golf ball-sized hail. I figured this might get a little interesting. I went and moved some things in the garage and opened the door so my wife could drive right in and avoid the hail. Then I went back to feeding Allie. A short time later, I heard a sound like someone had dropped a brick on my roof. Then another. Then another. I finally set Allie down in her Boppy and got up to go look out the door. I saw big hail. Then I heard glass breaking and realized that one of the windows in the back of the house had broken. I went to check it out. I got brave enough to stick my head out just a little, just enough so it was still under the eaves of the house. Then I heard another window break and decided it was time to take the girls to the basement. Then I noticed that the windshield of our Kia Optima appeared to have hail splattered on it. I was wrong, the windshield was broken. And as I watched, i saw it get broken again. At this point, it was way too late to go pull it into the garage.
As I watched all this unfold, it dawned on me that my wife and son still weren't back. I tried to call, but I couldn't get dialed out. I got a little frantic, because the last thing you'd want is your loved ones driving in hail that can break a windshield. The super hail continued to thump on the roof. I heard the tornado sirens go off, so I joined my girls downstairs. I tried to get my wife on the phone again and got through to her. She was at her mom's house. She was not more than 5 miles away from me and she was getting none of the storm we were facing. She got some hail, but nothing like what I was facing, or for as long a period of time. That is really the epitome of crazy Kansas weather.
Once things started to subside, my wife came home and we began to check out the aftermath. All said and done, the damage was pretty --well-- damaging. The roof had holes punched in it. The car. The windows. Multiple leaks inside. And my favorite...a hailstone broke through a solid 2x6 deck board. Just crashed right through it like it was nothing. It's was indeed the craziest weather I've ever seen. And I can tell you in all honesty, I don't want to go through that again.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
BACK AT LAST. . .
The triumphant return of One Minute Movie Reviews. . .because I just HAVE to let you know what I thought of The Back Up Plan. I've been slacking on the one-minute movie reviews big time, like really big time. I've watched a lot of movies since I last posted One-Minute Movie reviews. What I've done is take some of the more memorable (or not-so-memorable) and current movies from that span and write the one-minute review of them. So here we go . . . in no particular order.
Clash of the Titans
CGI COTT, you are not as cool as the seminal Ray Harryhausen version from 1981. Maybe it's because I was a kid when it came out and watched it over and over. Maybe it's because in the 1981 version you got to see Andromeda's boobs. In any case, it deviated greatly from the classic Greek myth of Perseus. That bugged me. The CGI effects were cool, but so are all CGI effects, so in my eyes they don't compare to Harryhausen's Greatest Hits (original COTT, Jason and the Argonauts, Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger <-- SPOILER ALERT: Sinbad kicks Apollo Creed's ass). I did like Medusa a lot, so I give COTT props for that. And I like Liam Neeson in everything. I thought Ralph Fiennes was a little over the top as Hades/Voldemort 2. All-in-all, a very average action flick.
Step Brothers
Yeah, I know this isn't new, but I've watched it like a dozen times on Encore the past couple months. One night I got up around 2:00 AM to feed Allie, found it on, and watched nearly the entire thing. I've enjoyed watching it so much that I've named my fantasy football ball team this year Prestige Worldwide. Actually, I just named it that because The Most Interesting Team in the World and Are You Smarter Than Antonio Cromartie? were too long.
Kick-Ass
Hmmm...Not so much. The problem I had with Kick-Ass is that everyone assumed I would be all geeked up about it and get all gaga about how awesome it is. The truth is I bought the comics and didn't really like them. The movie was OK, but pretty plain. That being said, Hit Girl lived up to the title. I also liked McLovin as a bad guy. The other stuff was a little cheesy, especially the ending. I liked parts of it, but overall I wasn't that crazy about it. Watching a kid get beat up all the time isn't that entertaining to me.
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
This movie was kind of the opposite of Kick-Ass for me. I hadn't read the comics before I saw the movie. I knew OF them, and the basic premise of the plot, but I hadn't purchased and read them. I liked this movie a lot. My wife and son voted it, "Stupidest Looking Movie of the Summer" but I didn't let that stop me. It's very funny at times, and there's a little bit of Scott Pilgrim in all of us. . . I think. But the best part is that, like its titular character, I didn't have much in the way of expectations for this movie. It pleasantly surprised me by living up to those expectations. I'll own this on DVD when it comes out. And the critics who say it's a summer flop can bite me.
Date Night
I didn't get to see this in the theaters, and then it was in my Netflix queue for like four months before it got released on DVD. After seeing it, all I can say is, "When will Tina Fey make a truly great movie." I liked it, but I didn't love it. I thought Steve Carell and Tina Fey were good, but not great. Steve Carell has been in some great movies, but Tina Fey hasn't seemed to be able to find the right vehicle. There were parts where I laughed hysterically, but most of it I just found myself chuckling at. I did enjoy Marky Mark Wahlberg. I was told by a friend who saw it in the theater that it was, "just as funny as the Hangover." It wasn't. And it was only like 80 minutes long. WTH?
Get Him To The Greek
Now this movie actually was as funny as the Hangover. Russell Brand recreates his character of British rocker Aldous Snow, first introduced in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. This time, He gets to take the hard partying Aldous over the top into Outrageous-land. I also like Jonah Hill, who went against type as his usual awkward nerdy fat teen character. I was also pleasantly surprised that amongst the horrifying antics and immoral behavior of the characters, they slip ins some very touching scenes to give the characters just a little hint at redemption. If I have one complaint about the movie, it's P. Diddy. This was supposed to be his Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder moment, but it isn't. If anything, he tries too hard to be Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder, so it doesn't hit it big. The added bonus is that Aldous is shown performing several times, and while the songs are supposed to be stupid and inane, they're actually funny and catchy.
The Wolfman
Here's a movie that sat int he ol' Netflix queue forever, and then suddenly appeared in our mail. The first thing that I thought while watching it was, "Benicio del Toro, where have you been lately?" The second thought I had was that while this movie was in the theaters, I never read a good review of it. But I never really read a bad review of it either. I was pleasantly surprised by it. Even though i figured out the "surprise twist" about 1/3 of the way into the movie, I still found it enjoyable. I liked how they made the Wolfman like the classic Lon Chaney version, not some present-day shirtless teen version (it's OK Team Jacob, I'm still on your side!). I think that over time, this will be one of those movies we end up saying, "That's a decent movie, I wonder why it didn't get much buzz."
The Back-Up Plan
I love my wife. I love my wife so much that I watched this entire movie with her. She waited weeks to finally get it at the video store and was so excited to watch it. And then she actually had to watch it. I will say this about The Back-Up Plan: I would rather watch Hannah Montana: The Movie, than sit through this piece of drivel again. About halfway through all the schlocky, cliche "I'm pregnant" jokes and stereotypes, I looked over at my wife and said, "This is pretty stupid." To which she replied, "Yeah it is." LAMENESS ALERT! (this is the opposite of a spoiler alert and is intended to prevent you from seeing this movie) Jennifer Lopez's character owns a pet store that she bought because she bought her dog from a pet store that sold puppy mill dogs and now her little dog is confined to a doggy wheelchair. Yeah, I am not making this up. And since I am going off on this anyway, her love interest owns an organic goat cheese farm/company and aspires to open his own shop in which he will only sell products produced locally within a 3o mile radius of his place in NYC, even though he can't pass macro-economics at night school. I am going to end there, because any further discussion of this movie will cause me to use language that my mother (one of the five readers of this blog -- we've grown! Thanks, Chris) does not appreciate. Suffice it to say that I would rather watch The Bounty Hunter again, rather than this movie.
Clash of the Titans
CGI COTT, you are not as cool as the seminal Ray Harryhausen version from 1981. Maybe it's because I was a kid when it came out and watched it over and over. Maybe it's because in the 1981 version you got to see Andromeda's boobs. In any case, it deviated greatly from the classic Greek myth of Perseus. That bugged me. The CGI effects were cool, but so are all CGI effects, so in my eyes they don't compare to Harryhausen's Greatest Hits (original COTT, Jason and the Argonauts, Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger <-- SPOILER ALERT: Sinbad kicks Apollo Creed's ass). I did like Medusa a lot, so I give COTT props for that. And I like Liam Neeson in everything. I thought Ralph Fiennes was a little over the top as Hades/Voldemort 2. All-in-all, a very average action flick.
Step Brothers
Yeah, I know this isn't new, but I've watched it like a dozen times on Encore the past couple months. One night I got up around 2:00 AM to feed Allie, found it on, and watched nearly the entire thing. I've enjoyed watching it so much that I've named my fantasy football ball team this year Prestige Worldwide. Actually, I just named it that because The Most Interesting Team in the World and Are You Smarter Than Antonio Cromartie? were too long.
Kick-Ass
Hmmm...Not so much. The problem I had with Kick-Ass is that everyone assumed I would be all geeked up about it and get all gaga about how awesome it is. The truth is I bought the comics and didn't really like them. The movie was OK, but pretty plain. That being said, Hit Girl lived up to the title. I also liked McLovin as a bad guy. The other stuff was a little cheesy, especially the ending. I liked parts of it, but overall I wasn't that crazy about it. Watching a kid get beat up all the time isn't that entertaining to me.
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
This movie was kind of the opposite of Kick-Ass for me. I hadn't read the comics before I saw the movie. I knew OF them, and the basic premise of the plot, but I hadn't purchased and read them. I liked this movie a lot. My wife and son voted it, "Stupidest Looking Movie of the Summer" but I didn't let that stop me. It's very funny at times, and there's a little bit of Scott Pilgrim in all of us. . . I think. But the best part is that, like its titular character, I didn't have much in the way of expectations for this movie. It pleasantly surprised me by living up to those expectations. I'll own this on DVD when it comes out. And the critics who say it's a summer flop can bite me.
Date Night
I didn't get to see this in the theaters, and then it was in my Netflix queue for like four months before it got released on DVD. After seeing it, all I can say is, "When will Tina Fey make a truly great movie." I liked it, but I didn't love it. I thought Steve Carell and Tina Fey were good, but not great. Steve Carell has been in some great movies, but Tina Fey hasn't seemed to be able to find the right vehicle. There were parts where I laughed hysterically, but most of it I just found myself chuckling at. I did enjoy Marky Mark Wahlberg. I was told by a friend who saw it in the theater that it was, "just as funny as the Hangover." It wasn't. And it was only like 80 minutes long. WTH?
Get Him To The Greek
Now this movie actually was as funny as the Hangover. Russell Brand recreates his character of British rocker Aldous Snow, first introduced in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. This time, He gets to take the hard partying Aldous over the top into Outrageous-land. I also like Jonah Hill, who went against type as his usual awkward nerdy fat teen character. I was also pleasantly surprised that amongst the horrifying antics and immoral behavior of the characters, they slip ins some very touching scenes to give the characters just a little hint at redemption. If I have one complaint about the movie, it's P. Diddy. This was supposed to be his Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder moment, but it isn't. If anything, he tries too hard to be Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder, so it doesn't hit it big. The added bonus is that Aldous is shown performing several times, and while the songs are supposed to be stupid and inane, they're actually funny and catchy.
The Wolfman
Here's a movie that sat int he ol' Netflix queue forever, and then suddenly appeared in our mail. The first thing that I thought while watching it was, "Benicio del Toro, where have you been lately?" The second thought I had was that while this movie was in the theaters, I never read a good review of it. But I never really read a bad review of it either. I was pleasantly surprised by it. Even though i figured out the "surprise twist" about 1/3 of the way into the movie, I still found it enjoyable. I liked how they made the Wolfman like the classic Lon Chaney version, not some present-day shirtless teen version (it's OK Team Jacob, I'm still on your side!). I think that over time, this will be one of those movies we end up saying, "That's a decent movie, I wonder why it didn't get much buzz."
The Back-Up Plan
I love my wife. I love my wife so much that I watched this entire movie with her. She waited weeks to finally get it at the video store and was so excited to watch it. And then she actually had to watch it. I will say this about The Back-Up Plan: I would rather watch Hannah Montana: The Movie, than sit through this piece of drivel again. About halfway through all the schlocky, cliche "I'm pregnant" jokes and stereotypes, I looked over at my wife and said, "This is pretty stupid." To which she replied, "Yeah it is." LAMENESS ALERT! (this is the opposite of a spoiler alert and is intended to prevent you from seeing this movie) Jennifer Lopez's character owns a pet store that she bought because she bought her dog from a pet store that sold puppy mill dogs and now her little dog is confined to a doggy wheelchair. Yeah, I am not making this up. And since I am going off on this anyway, her love interest owns an organic goat cheese farm/company and aspires to open his own shop in which he will only sell products produced locally within a 3o mile radius of his place in NYC, even though he can't pass macro-economics at night school. I am going to end there, because any further discussion of this movie will cause me to use language that my mother (one of the five readers of this blog -- we've grown! Thanks, Chris) does not appreciate. Suffice it to say that I would rather watch The Bounty Hunter again, rather than this movie.
Do You Believe in Magic?
Well, I'm back. Finally. After spending a ridiculous amount of time watching the 2010 World Cup and having a new baby and starting back to work with new and more duties, I've finally worked it into my schedule to start writing again. Even though I haven't been writing, I have been reading my friend Terry's blog in which he's detailed his time living with The Teel (who just happens to have his own kick-ass blog/web comic thingy). It's good, and when I felt the need to make a smart Alec comment on his blog, he told me I needed to start writing again. That coupled with a follow up comment by former roommate/Used Paint member, Chris, made me realize I needed to sit down and write something.
You see, the problem with writing a blog is that you have to have something to write about. I refuse to blog about my job, and since it takes up about 85% of my life right now, it leaves me short on things. I've written about my roommates a couple times already, but believe me, there's more to come on that topic. But, then a revelation came. . . in the form of my local comic book store. I went in yesterday, and found my inspiration...Magic Mondays!
I love comic books. I love my local comic book store. I love going to said comic book store to by said comics. As stated previously in a blog, I despise card games. What I learned yesterday is that Monday is Magic Monday, where the Magic: The Gathering people come to play cards. Until like midnight. I kid you not. And, if you didn't know, the comic store closes at 8:00 PM.
If I had my way, I'd march into the comic book store and declare loudly (and proudly), "You have comics, and you have cards, and never the twain shall meet." I don't know if that really makes sense, but how many times do you get the chance to work the phrase "never the twain shall meet" into a conversation? Especially if that conversation in no way relates to Mark Twain. You see, I want a comic book store that reminds me of Central Perk on "Friends," complete with a set of leather couches and Jennifer Aniston. People could flock from all over the west part of Wichita to sit around and talk about comic nerd stuff. You can't do that if you have a bunch of card geeks sitting there scaring normal customers off -- or at least making them feel uncomfortable.
But I digress. ("Never the twain" + "But I digress" = awesome blog thingy!). I despise card nerds for one very simple reason. I used to teach high school. When Magic first came out, it was kind of an underground phenomenon that only the best nerds knew of and played. I was introduced to it by a friend of mine, who we shall call Andy, because that's his name, and he taught me how to play. I had a killer green deck then, and I crushed many adversaries. Then I got a job at a suburban high school and learned that this Magic thing was spinning out of control. Kids played it before school, during lunch, after school, on band trips (presumably). They fiddled with their cards during class. They talked about nothing but Magic all the time. Kids began to use teachers, asking them if they could stay and get help in order to get a pass for the late bus. Then they'd ask for help on one question and run off to play Magic with their friend(s) who had also duped a teacher. They didn't stay to play cards at the school because they had nowhere else to go, they stayed and played cards at school because they'd wasted all their money on cards instead of saving up to by a crappy car like the rest of the teenage world!!!
I did get to put one over on the card players, thanks to one unfortunate student in a 10th grade English class. The following excerpt is 100% rue -- hand to God.
It came to pass that Mr. Clamons found a Magic card in the hallway. It was Tree Elves to be specific. What fascinated me about this card is that it stated very clearly that the holder of this card could only be harmed by creatures with flying. So the card was tucked away for safe keeping until 5th hour class when I had a particularly loud, obnoxious, disruptive force that happened to be one of the biggest Magic purveyors in the school.
As he began to talk, and interrupt, and disrupt, I pulled forth my Tree Elves card and held it out to him. he looked at it and asked, "What's that?"
"It's Tree Elves," I said matter-of-factly, "And I'm using it to make you be quiet."
"What? I have a 100 cards more powerful that that one!" my adversary boasted.
"Maybe so," I retorted, "but I'm not playing it against your deck, I'm playing it against you."
"What?"
"I'm playing my card against you. It clearly states that he holder of this card can only be harmed by creatures with flying. Do you have flying?"
"But...but..." the boy spluttered
"Do you have flying? No? Well then I win, and you have to be quiet for the rest of the hour. And I'm going to keep this card here at the podium for all following days."
He was quiet for the rest of the class period. And much better behaved for the rest of the semester.
Seeing the Magic Mondays crew yesterday reminded me of those carefree days. It also reminded me that Monday should join Sunday on the list of Days I Shall Never Go to the Comic Store. At least I could sleep well last night knowing that none of the players was recording his/her duel to upload to Facebook (see previous blog post). . . and that I still have my killer green deck. And it would destroy everyone in the comic store. Including Wil Wheaton.
You see, the problem with writing a blog is that you have to have something to write about. I refuse to blog about my job, and since it takes up about 85% of my life right now, it leaves me short on things. I've written about my roommates a couple times already, but believe me, there's more to come on that topic. But, then a revelation came. . . in the form of my local comic book store. I went in yesterday, and found my inspiration...Magic Mondays!
I love comic books. I love my local comic book store. I love going to said comic book store to by said comics. As stated previously in a blog, I despise card games. What I learned yesterday is that Monday is Magic Monday, where the Magic: The Gathering people come to play cards. Until like midnight. I kid you not. And, if you didn't know, the comic store closes at 8:00 PM.
If I had my way, I'd march into the comic book store and declare loudly (and proudly), "You have comics, and you have cards, and never the twain shall meet." I don't know if that really makes sense, but how many times do you get the chance to work the phrase "never the twain shall meet" into a conversation? Especially if that conversation in no way relates to Mark Twain. You see, I want a comic book store that reminds me of Central Perk on "Friends," complete with a set of leather couches and Jennifer Aniston. People could flock from all over the west part of Wichita to sit around and talk about comic nerd stuff. You can't do that if you have a bunch of card geeks sitting there scaring normal customers off -- or at least making them feel uncomfortable.
But I digress. ("Never the twain" + "But I digress" = awesome blog thingy!). I despise card nerds for one very simple reason. I used to teach high school. When Magic first came out, it was kind of an underground phenomenon that only the best nerds knew of and played. I was introduced to it by a friend of mine, who we shall call Andy, because that's his name, and he taught me how to play. I had a killer green deck then, and I crushed many adversaries. Then I got a job at a suburban high school and learned that this Magic thing was spinning out of control. Kids played it before school, during lunch, after school, on band trips (presumably). They fiddled with their cards during class. They talked about nothing but Magic all the time. Kids began to use teachers, asking them if they could stay and get help in order to get a pass for the late bus. Then they'd ask for help on one question and run off to play Magic with their friend(s) who had also duped a teacher. They didn't stay to play cards at the school because they had nowhere else to go, they stayed and played cards at school because they'd wasted all their money on cards instead of saving up to by a crappy car like the rest of the teenage world!!!
I did get to put one over on the card players, thanks to one unfortunate student in a 10th grade English class. The following excerpt is 100% rue -- hand to God.
It came to pass that Mr. Clamons found a Magic card in the hallway. It was Tree Elves to be specific. What fascinated me about this card is that it stated very clearly that the holder of this card could only be harmed by creatures with flying. So the card was tucked away for safe keeping until 5th hour class when I had a particularly loud, obnoxious, disruptive force that happened to be one of the biggest Magic purveyors in the school.
As he began to talk, and interrupt, and disrupt, I pulled forth my Tree Elves card and held it out to him. he looked at it and asked, "What's that?"
"It's Tree Elves," I said matter-of-factly, "And I'm using it to make you be quiet."
"What? I have a 100 cards more powerful that that one!" my adversary boasted.
"Maybe so," I retorted, "but I'm not playing it against your deck, I'm playing it against you."
"What?"
"I'm playing my card against you. It clearly states that he holder of this card can only be harmed by creatures with flying. Do you have flying?"
"But...but..." the boy spluttered
"Do you have flying? No? Well then I win, and you have to be quiet for the rest of the hour. And I'm going to keep this card here at the podium for all following days."
He was quiet for the rest of the class period. And much better behaved for the rest of the semester.
Seeing the Magic Mondays crew yesterday reminded me of those carefree days. It also reminded me that Monday should join Sunday on the list of Days I Shall Never Go to the Comic Store. At least I could sleep well last night knowing that none of the players was recording his/her duel to upload to Facebook (see previous blog post). . . and that I still have my killer green deck. And it would destroy everyone in the comic store. Including Wil Wheaton.
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