Sudden Realizations

Every once in awhile things (these are generally called "thoughts" by most people) pop into my head. Whenever I can, I try to right them down. At the very least I commit them to memory. The following is a sampling of some of the random thoughts that pop into my head on a daily basis:

• I'm pretty sure that the ATF could end the war on drugs if they simply raided the NickToons studio. My daughter is hooked on a show called "Ni Hao Kai-Lan" which contains a koala who dresses like a panda, a monkey who spins turntables like a DJ, and a rhino that floats around on a balloon tied to her horn. There's really not that much more to say about it other than that. Seriously, a monkey playing turntables?
• I forgot to mention that "Ni Hao Kai-Lan" takes place in China. I'm still trying to figure out why the hell there's a koala and a rhino in China. If you really want to blow your mind consider this, there's also a polar bear in this show, too.
• Every time I tell someone that we're expecting another child, they always say, "Hey, congratulations! That's great!" Even though I'm very gracious, I always kind of want to respond, "It's not that big a deal, all I did was have sex."
• I really miss reading "Calvin and Hobbes." Not the comic strip, the philosophers.
• With my impending fatherhood, I've been trying to be more reflective and think of all the good advice my dad gave me so I can pass it down. The only thing I can ever seriously remember is the advice he gave me about girls: "If you don't want to go out with her anymore, just quit answering her calls. She'll get the hint." Hand to God, that is a genuine Fred-ism.
• A lot of the other things I remember my dad saying to me involve profanity. Since my mom reads my blog, I'll leave those out. I don't want the old man getting in trouble. And if you read my previous entry, you'll understand why I don't pass those on to my daughter.
• the Boomerang network is the biggest tease on the cable box. It plays all these shows you loved growing up, but then you watch them and realize how truly crappy they really were. Yes, "Jabberjaw" and "Speed Buggy" you fall under that category.
• On that same topic, you'd think the combined might of a house cat and a wizard could capture at least one smurf. Gargamel obviously didn't attend Hogwart's.
• I turned 39 yesterday. I celebrated my birthday by buying comic books, eating ice cream, and receiving several cards about farting. I can't wait for 40!
• You know how when there's a plane crash, everything is destroyed except for the Black Box?. . . Why didn't they make the Death Star our of that stuff. If the Empire had thought that through, Luke Skywalker would probably be a clerk at O'Reilly's in Tashi Station right now.

To quote Forrest Gump, "That's all I got to say about that." If anyone has any topics they'd like to see me write about (like why we need a re-boot of the Howard the Duck movie franchise), feel free to post them here or on Facebook. I'm always looking for topics. Until next time...Excelsior, true believers!

Of Darling Little Girls and Profanity

A couple weeks ago, I got to celebrate my daughter's 3rd birthday. It was a joyous occasion with Grammy and Grandy coming to visit from Texas and cupcakes and Hello Kitty things and Princesses everywhere. It's the kind of birthday party one would expect for a darling little three-year-old girl. Yeah, that's her up there. Cute as a button. The thing is that when others are not around, my darling baby girl is quite a stinker. It's called the "terrible twos," only the experts don't tell you that this phase actually begins at age three and lasts until roughly 8th grade.

I have to admit, I've been a bit spoiled. My son is, for all intents and purposes, a pretty low-maintenance child. He rarely acts up, and when he does it's easy to weather the storm because it happens so rarely. He's generally a pretty good role model for his little sister. Lately, though, she's taken to repeating just about anything her older brother says. Or anyone else says for that matter. It's a phase, and we deal with it, because the boy went through the same thing. I remember driving with my wife once, the same wife who was always on me about watching my language around our young son, when she told me, "Oh blow it out your ass!' That was followed by a small voice from the back of the van saying, "Ass mommy!" I think both of us were too stunned to say anything, so we just let it go and that was the end of that.

I bring this up, because it directly relates to my adorable, charming, beautiful daughter, who you might remember, is in the repeating things phase. The other night I was watching a movie on my free HBO, when my daughter decided to join me. I didn't think much of it until one of the characters in the movie said, "F- - - yeah!" I'd seen the movie several times before, so, again, I didn't think much of it. That is until a small voice next to me said, "F- - - yeah, daddy!"

Instead of giving her the stunned silence I gave my son in similar circumstances, I decided that I should nip this in the butt and take matters into my own hands. I was going to be the parent and correct this inappropriate behavior. I put on my teacher voice and calmly explained to my daughter, "Honey, we don't talk that way. Just because they said it on TV doesn't mean it's OK for little girls to say."

To which my daughter replied, "F- - - yeah!"

Now I knew I needed to take care of this, so I put on my mean teacher voice and said, "You do NOT say that young lady. That is totally inappropriate and I don't want to ever hear you say that again."

My daughter pouted and got off the couch and scowled and I knew I had made my point clear, and congratulated myself on a job well done correcting this little problem.

But as I sat smugly on the couch, my daughter turned to me, arms crossed, and said, "I say f- - - yeah all I want!"

Now there was stunned silence.

My darling daughter then turned and said, "I going upstairs!" and started to walk upstairs. At that point, all I could think to say was, "Don't say that in front of your mom!"

I related this little incident to my parents when they came up for the big princess party. In between owls of laughter, my dad said something about deserving everything I get. I don't know he says that, but I find that he says it a lot. Especially after my kids have done something incredible stupid/profane/dangerous/ridiculous/profane. I really, honestly don't know why my dad says that, because as far as I remember, I was a nearly perfect child.